One way Street

We live off of a one way street in downtown Seattle. Once in awhile I see someone driving down it full speed the wrong direction. It reminds me a lot about my life.

I seem to always head down the one way streets in the wrong direction. This makes me picture the fork in the road. You know the one I am talking about. The road to the right is the one everyone travels down, and the one on the left is the one less traveled. I used to pride myself on taking the one less traveled, just to prove that I could do it, and come out at the end just fine. Well.... I have been on that road for the last several years, and I still have not come out on the other side. I am lost somewhere in the that awful forest with trees of sorrow, branches of destruction, quick sand, and thorns of lies. How the hell did I get here?

I seem to have lost any and all friends along the way. Mostly because I pushed them away? Maybe... I really am not sure. I now find myself lost, lonely, depressed, and not knowing where to go from here.

I fell asleep about an hour ago. I woke up out of no where, and I cannot seem to fall back asleep. So I am writing this blog.

The trees lining the streets of Seattle tell their stories at night, when they think everyone is asleep and no one is listening. I am listening. They are quite eerie. They creak, crack, spat, and drip. They whisper too. You only hear this at night, like right now. If you werent used to this, you'd think someone was outside creeping around. I am not sure how I feel about these talking trees.

I got a new Kitten. I got the kitten for my 6 year old cat Little Man. Little Man has been sulking about the house. Sad I imagine because he cannot go outside. I have fixed him a little perch against the window so that he can hop on it and lounge. He gets up there and does his hunting chatter whenever he sees a batch of Seagulls or Pidgins. Little Man gets a lot of attention from people passing by. He loves any attention he can get.

My hopes were that the kitten would keep him on his toes and get him playing and running again. I was right! :-) I thought it would take quite some time for the grouchy old man to get used to the kitten, but it only took one day! They play, clean each other, and sleep together. The kitten is only about 7 weeks old. She is very tiny compared to him. She is so well behaved. I think we are going to name her Mookie. Moo for short.

Speaking of the cats, I think I am going to get back to bed with them and Deliliah. Take care!

(Picture: Little Man & Mookie)

Wedding Fail

So today I started to gather ideas for my wedding. My girlfriend (now fiance) proposed to me on our way home from a weekend trip at Seaside Oregon(a few weeks ago). I of course said yes.

I find it hard to be excited. Its complicated. I feel like I was so let down in my last relationship. I was proposed to, planned the wedding, everything, and then got my heart broken.

My family was never supportive of my gay relationship with my ex, so it was hard getting them to be involved with any planning or whatever. Luckily I had my ex's family's support.

I feel like any announcement of my engagement now would be calling wolf. I feel like my family does not take me serious in anything I do. All I want... need, is my family's support and happiness for me.

I don't have a father to walk me down the isle. I don't have a mother to help me plan. I don't have a grandmother to give me the advice I need. I don't have a sister to sniggle with excitement with.

I of course have always wanted the wedding of my dreams, nothing huge and extravagant, I want something simple and elegant. It never bothered me not having parental figures to be there for me. But I expected the family that I do have (sister-grandma) to take me seriously and be excited for me.

With Deliliah and I not being a traditional wedding to begin with, I feel like I have to compromise my traditional wedding values and beliefs as far as the ceremony. Deliliah does not want to have a ceremony, or me in the Cinderella dress.

While I was gathering ideas for my wedding today, I broke down. I broke down because I didnt want to do this alone. I was frusterated I had no one to turn to be excited with. Deliliah is not showing much emotion towards the wedding either. I broke down because I felt like there was no hope of me getting even a little bit of the Wedding ceremony Ive always dreamed of having. I cried because I feel like no one is interested.

One of the most important times in my life and I am feeling utterly alone.

What is the point?

Hair Tonic

So I have recently been having an issue with my scalp being super dry and itchy, my hair has also been impossible to comb even after conditioning. I haven't dyed my hair in over a year.

I researched online to see what would be the best solution for my hair/scalp situation. Tea tree oil kept coming up as a good soother. So I went to Sallys near the Westlake Center. Though online they had some things that may have been an option online, the store had nothing in it.

My wonderful girlfriend had printed out some local salons we could drop in at to inquire about products. We ended up going to Sublime across the street from our apartment in Belltown. The stylist at the desk with a sharp bob cut dyed in bright red, foundation slabbed on like frosting on a cupcake mention a Shampoo and Condition by a company called Bumble and bumble.

The pictures to your upper right are what she suggested and I purchased. It is a soothing Tea Tree oil & Peppermint shampoo with a leave in conditioning spray. Costing my a whopping $42 bucks all together. But I have to say it was the best $42 bucks I have recently spent!

When applying either the shampoo or conditioner my scalp was overwhelmed by this refreshing tingling feeling. Like dipping my head in a bottle of scope. lol. It was so nice.

It has been three days now and my scalp and hair feel amazing. My hair is brushable, my scalp is soothed, scab free, and I am happy.

I definitely recommend this product!

Sleepless in Belltown

I have had no luck being able to sleep the past month. I feel like a drone. A zombie of sorts.

The city at night is earie. I am always intruiged by the city sounds. Big un-marked semi-trucks pulling over and unloading or loading (sometimes both) at 2am. People constantly walking by our window. Then for a long time, no one.

I hear a lot of chatter between people. Things I am sure they do not mean for others to over hear. I sometimes think they are un aware that the window open next to them is indeed an apartment. Others are quite aware of our presence. They stop and say hello sometimes. Mostly to Little Man. Little Man (my cat) has made an array of new friends (most of whom I do not approve of). I have in result had many conversations with him letting him know that talking to strangers is not okay. He just turns his head and prances away as if to say "I'll do what I want".

It is 4am and the city is beginning to wake up. Apartment lights start to flicker on, and shadows stumble about eager to get that first cup of coffee. The road is starting to have more traffic. Cars going from here to there, and there to here. I like to sit and wonder, wonder whether they are coming or going, and from what? Maybe a late night rendevous? Perhaps. I like to wonder.

The rain in Seattle. Magnificent! It has been raining the past few days and I love it! It makes me smile. I love the rain. I especially love when I can smell the rain coming. The fresh muggy scent of the city getting a shower. I look forward to more days like this.

I am thinking of re-arranging my living room. I would like to have my computer set up in front of our windows so that I can look outside at the city as I type. So that I can paint you a description of what I see with my words the best that I can.

I like falling asleep to the sound of the city and everyone in it waking up. I like falling asleep with the sunrise peaking through the tall glassy corporate buildings.

For now I bid you goodmorning.

The years from you to me

Your hair waves once more when I weep. With the blue of your eyes

you lay the table of love: a bed between summer and autumn.

We drink what somebody brewed neither I nor you nor a third; we lap up some empty and last thing.

We watch ourselves in the deep sea's mirrors and faster pass food to the other:

the night is the night, it begins with the morning, beside you it lays me down.

The Julie/Julia Project

I recently watched the movie 'Julie & Julia'. A true story of a woman on the verge of turning 30 who despises her dead end secretary job, who finds comfort of coming home and knowing that if you add an egg to chocolate, and whisk, will thicken. Julie cooked. Julie blogged. Julie garnered a legion of devotees of her wit and charm. Not only can Julie cook, Julie can write. Really well. She is very entertaining. She took on a project, a challenge of taking on Julia Child's cook book, "Mastering the Art of French Cooking". She would cook 536 recipes in 365 days. She blogged it all.

It really quite inspired me. I love to cook. I am a cook. Looking for new fun recipes, to challenge me, to intrigue me. Will I be as brave as Julie Powell to take on Julia Child's cook book? I think not. What shall I do? It seems only fitting to turn to you, if you are out there. Are you?

Holy Mother Load of Frustration!

This blog has been postponed for way too long. I have been wanting to blog, and have even had what I wanted to say all planned out in my head, but for what ever reason I just could not bring myself to sit down and write.

I do not even know where to begin with the events that have been going on.

My sister has been going through a lot. I feel like our relationship is diminishing. I of course as always stand by her side and support her. I only hear from her when I call her, or if she needs to vent.

Me again trying to help my brother and get him out of trouble, has now drug me into the situation, and I am now paying the price for his mistake. I do not understand why he feels the need to lie and con.

I got my old job back, but I am only working part-time.

Now here is what I am currently boggled over. I just have no Idea what the fuck to do.

My ex Joe (Joe is a FTM-born female but transitioned to male) and I split up about 2 years ago. Our relationship was coming to an end a bit before I moved out. I moved out when I found out that he was sleeping with his best friend. SMH.

Now Joe is engaged to his best friend (who is female and we will call 'A'). Because Joe has now legally transitioned from FTM he can legally marry his fiance 'A' because he is now considered a straight male (he really identifies as queer), and his fiance is a straight female (well she identifies as gay). They queer world is so complicated, but in the end everyone on the outside will see them as a straight Male/Female couple.

Joe and I still have not dissolved our domestic partnership. Our domestic partnership is under his birth name and sex (female). So now that he has transitioned into a whole new gender, does that void our domestic partnership since "she" no longer exists? Does this make sense to anyone?

Joe can get married to A because Joe is now legally a man, and A is a female. But where does that leave me legally? Do I still need to dissolve this pre-existing partnership with Joe, before I can have one with my current partner? Or is it now void since the person I was legally partnered to legally really no longer exists?

Shit like this would not be so damn complicated if gay's could have the same right to marry as straights. Fuck you.

I have called all over the place and they all give me the bs run around. I don't need a lawyer, there are no assets to divide or anything like that. We are both willingly wanting to dissolve our partnership. What I am concerned about is Joe being able to get married regardless to the domestic partnership we currently have. If he is able to do that he is not going to want to go out of his way to help me dissolve something that does not directly affect him. When my partner and I decide to get our domestic partnership-I am still going to be bound to this person who no longer exists. Because the partnership does not affect Joe in anyway any longer, I am worried that I am going to be stuck in this bullshit predicament.

Independence Day 2010

Happy post 4th of July Seattle!! It's amazing how far we have come in just a year! Last year the host of Lake Union's Family Fourth, One Reel, announced that they would no longer be holding the annual Family Fourth at Gas Works park due to lack of funding. Seattle really pulled together not only a community, but a family and raised the funds necessary to be able to continue this magnificent gathering.

This year was amazing! My girlfriend and I scrambled all over Seattle trying to find the right spot to settle down and watch the fireworks. This is our first year in Seattle for the 4th of July, we had absolutely no clue where to plant our selves. We finally got to a corner on a sidewalk where we could view the Fireworks going off at Lake Union just perfectly. We were surrounded by other Seattlites huddled together in the wind waiting to view the long awaited show. It lasted about 20 minutes and had many amazing, colorful, loud fireworks shaped as smiley faces, boxes, and more.

This year the Family Fourth got the 'Presidents of the United States of America' to perform live at the event. They were amazing! They played a smash of all their greatest hits. They actually had a small mosh pit going on up front. I did not envy the individuals in the front getting smooshed up against the fence that bordered around the stage.

Over all this year was spectacular. It seemed more special this year than any year, because this year Independence Day was not just hosted by one company, but all of Seattle, business owners and individuals alike. So I say Thank you Seattle. Thank you for an amazing year! I sure hope to see you next year!

What was your Independence Day 2010 like this year? Please leave a comment and let me know!

Over the Rainbow

Pride 2010 is tomorrow, and I am sooo stoked. This will only be my second Pride, and my girlfriends 1st! The parade literally walks right past our apartment windows (We are on the 1st floor). I plan on waking up early to get a good curbside seat, where I am sure to get tons of swag!

I have $20 bucks to my name and I plan on spending it at Pride!

I scored a FREE 18"x 13" Pride flag from Love Zone. I found a coupon for it in the Stranger. No purchase necessary! I call that a score! lol

I am excited.. For the first time ever, the Seattle Space Needle is now flying (proudly) the gay pride flag! You can read more about the story HERE.

This is just a short blog, I will be updating tomorrow thought with TONS of pictures!

Testing!

Test test test test test test test test test test test....................

Psychoanalysis & Pop Psychology

I got to thinking about fathers, or the lack there of. Some say a daughters relationship with her father is a model for all of her sub-sequential relationships with men. Is that just pop psychology, or is there some truth to it? And if you were given a less than perfect model does it mean a life of less than perfect relationships? I couldn't help but wonder... how much does a father figure, figure?

Does this theory apply to homosexual relationships? Sigmund Freud's basic theory of human sexuality was that all human beings were innately bisexual, and that they become heterosexual or homosexual as a result of their experiences with parents and others (Freud, 1905). In a now-famous letter to an American mother in 1935, Freud wrote:

"Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation, it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc.). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime, and cruelty too....(reprinted in Jones, 1957, pp. 208-209, from the American Journal of Psychiatry, 1951, 107, 786).

Does this mean, if I did not form a (good) relationship with either of my parents (at birth or early child hood) I am definitely going to be screwed when it comes to forming relationships with a perspective partner?

Just something to think about...

Relationships are about compromise. But where do you draw the line between compromising, and compromising yourself? Is it possible to be so much in love that you don't exist anymore, but only your 'compromised self'?

On that note, love... love is a tricky think. It is dangerous, and sneaky. Which brings us to another subject... Fate. Do the stars and the moon control fate? Is there really that one person out there for each of us, and if so, with one wrong turn or mistake can we loose or miss out on that person and be alone forever?

who arrrrre yoooou?

I think what hurts the most, is I have no idea who I am anymore. When did I become this angry, and bitter individual with no heart? I have a heart. My life revolves around helping those in need. When did I become so greedy? A three year relationship where I gave my all and got nothing in return that ended in soul shattering oblivious heartache? Now I expect everything I want? It's what I believe I deserve. But is this me now? I just want something I've been looking forward to, to go as expected. So why am I so hurt that it hasn't, when nothing has? When did I become so greedy? I don't like this feeling. I used to be so care free and humble. When did this change?

The Hours

I am now officially residing in BellTown Seattle. It has been a long time coming. The view of the Space Needle at night is breath taking. I am so happy about living in the city. I do however have to get used to people walking right in front of our windows. I like to keep the windows open during the day, little man and I love people watching. I find myself wanting to scare every unsuspecting Seattlite that walks by, by yelling, 'RAWR' lol.
There is a surprising amount of foot traffic outside our windows. I would have said it was because we are only a block from the Seattle Center, but we get just as much foot traffic at 3 a.m. as we do during daylight. Laying in bed listening to the late night car and transit traffic is soothing. It reminds me of my grandmother's old house just off the freeway in Monroe. I would stay up late listening to the unseen traffic zoom by. The only two differences now are that I am now sharing a bed with my fiancée instead of my grandmother, and I now can also occasionally hear the drunks on their way home. Listening to them scream, mumble, and stumble makes me wonder what their story is, and what led them to drink.
Internet will be connected on the third, so for now I am writing you from my lovely Android MyTouch.
For now, this is Orchid in Seattle, signing out.

Walking Blind

I have never thought about where things are going in my life, as much as I do now. Looking back on how I used to live my life is like looking at old archived news papers in the library news paper reading room, that just shoot the grey papers by so fast. I was so caught up in life. I was never in any sort of stable environment. Moving constantly, relationships constantly changing. I used to be so bold. lol I say this because I would always meet up with anyone I met online, as unsafe as that may have been. I was all about making friends, experiencing new things and having a good time.

I like to think I am the same person now, though life has slowed down so much. I am in my second serious committed relationship. The first one tore my heart to shreds. I really gave into that pain and heartache. I lost everything I was. Several years have passed and I still feel like I am trying to get on stable ground. Trying to find myself again. I have a lot to work on.

I've been so hurt by people who are closest to me, friends and family. I forgive. Always. I get hurt again. I forgive again. It is a cycle. When I watch shows like 'Sex in the City', 'Desperate Housewife's' as naive as it may be (i know they are tv shows) it really makes me sad. I want more than anything to have a group of friend I can turn to no matter what. A group of individuals I can really count on to be there. People I can have a good time with, and get together with on a weekly basis. To play board games, cards, watch Lword series, or whatever. I sort of feel like I am stopping myself. I don't know why, or how. I don't even know how to go about making friends. That is pretty devastating.

We move next week. I am exciting because this feels like the last move, for a long time. I will be in a central area close to family, and lots of activities (so I stop being a home body). I will be broadcasting from SEATTLE baby! I can take a short bus ride to Westlake Center or even Pike Place Market!

I have no idea what comes next. I am walking blind into love, into life and into what comes next. My eyes are blind folded, and my heart is ready for anything to take place.

Turmoil with Food

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. --Mark Twain

Its time to get to the core of why I'm overweight. Food has been my crack, my heroin, my meth, my cocaine, my alcohol, my family.

Having issues with weight is always about more than the food. My beliefs show up in my relationship with food. So if I'm eating when I'm not hungry or bored, I'm basically saying I can't feel these feelings. Life is too much for me (or not enough in my case). There's no goodness in my life except for food right here, right now. I'm basically eating because I've given up on something, some part of myself. You think that, 'I am so small that the pain is going to overwhelm me,' but in reality the truth is you've already experienced that pain.

And what food does at that point is it doubles your pain, rather than make it go away. You're still in pain about what you were in pain about before you ate, but now you've added a whole level of more discomfort which is: 'Oh, I can't believe I ate this. What's wrong with me? Am I ever going to get my life together?' Then you're feeling like a failure on top of the discomfort you were feeling before.

Most people who are not over weight do not understand that food, to us, is an addiction. I am addicted to food. We use food to 'Numb out'. We use it to cover our feelings, our boredom.

I have never been a religious individual, more spiritual. When I refer to 'God' I refer to something that is bigger. We each have this longing—we've had moments of awe and wonder in our lives. A lot of us don't call that God, but we know that something is possible for every one of us besides our daily lives. The way we get caught with errands and taking care of other people. We feel that this possibility exists, wonder and mystery and possibility ... or the feeling you have in nature. The feeling that everything is possible. I have learned that my relationship with food is directly related to how close I am to the source. The issue isn't really the food. It is about my disconnection from that which is real which we call 'God'. Real = God Life = God

We turn to food as an obsession, addiction. Obsession gives you something to do besides have your heart shattered by heart-shattering events or emotions. The emotional struggle that accompanies overeating is familiar, whereas the "heart-shattering events" are often new and raw. We are afraid that the pain will destroy us. Or the heartbreak, or the discomfort even. We don't actually know that we can feel those feelings without being destroyed by them. Getting up and living day-to-day and going through the stuff of day-to-day, that's difficult. But somehow we believe that food is cushioning it.

Conquering issues with weight starts with learning to love yourself. How do I start looking at myself and loving myself? Kindness.

You might ask, 'What made you come to this conclusion?'. What really clicked was recognizing that going to the food hasn't been working and that what I've been looking for isn't in the food. So what I am trying to get rid of and what I am trying to not feel, it didn't help to be eating over it. The other thing that clicked was that there is a whole lot of pain there to look at. I need to look at some of the layers, recognizing some of the beliefs that are keeping me at the weight where I am. Those beliefs, are that I'm not good enough, that nobody likes me and that nobody would accept me the way I am. Being overweight feels like a disability. I am still a person, a human, just like you. I wish people could see that.

Growing up as a child was so hard, what I'm really feeling is every time I have ever been beaten by my father. Every time my step mom told me that I was ugly. That I would never find someone to love me if I was over weight. That over weight individuals do not deserve love. She looks at me with disgust, hatred almost. What I recognize as I'm stuffing myself with the burgers, sandwiches, is I still have that feeling of if I don't do what pleased the other person, then somehow that person has the power to annihilate me. I've been so intimidated by someone who isn't even in my life anymore.

We somehow believe that if we hate ourselves enough, if we shame ourselves enough, we'll end up thin, happy, peaceful people. Somehow if I torture myself enough, I'll end up feeling great about myself and about my life, as if hatred leads to love and torture leads to contentment.

Does that make sense at all?! Hell to the No!

It's time to start loving myself, treating myself.

Guilt & Regret

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. – Henry David Thoreau

I used to think that guilt and regret went hand in hand... The emotions of guilt and regret are often so inextricably linked that it's hard to tell the difference between the two. Subtle as it is, there is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling regretful. In order to fix mistakes or move forward emotionally, we need to be able to differentiate between the two.

Recently I had a different perspective on guilt being presented to me. Lama Samten from the Buddhist Monastery Karma Choeling, north of Auckland, said that he has had difficulties understanding the exact meaning of feeling guilty. Someone who grew up in Tibet knows regret, but does not feel guilty. Lama Samten suggested that feeling guilty might be based on the assumption that at the time we would have had the power or capacity to do things differently. When we feel guilty, we overestimate ourselves.

Examine the motive of the event, experience or decision that is causing you to feel this way. Motive is important when trying to differentiate between regret and guilt. If what you have done was done in order to cause another person pain or harm, then the feeling you are experiencing is guilt not regret.

Listen to your words or thoughts for the words "I wish." These words often indicate you are feeling regretful that something turned out as it did or didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Regretfulness occurs when you've inadvertently acted or made a decision that caused harm or pain and you wish you could change it.

Regret gives us the option to make up if we hurt another person, it allows for a softening that is necessary in asking for forgiveness. When we make ourselves feel guilty, on the other hand, we intensify our suffering and often harden.

After differentiating the two... I feel regret. I am guilty of many things, but never have I felt regret. To me regret is almost worse than guilt. Regret is knowing that I did something wrong, even though at the time I had no control over what had occured, I wish with all my being that I could have gone back. I could have done something different.

I regret that I left my brother and sister alone with that devil of a man we call father. dad. uku. The parent. I was only about 13, 1999. There was so much going on. I regret being put into foster care and leaving them alone in his care. I don't remember if I ever asked them if they were okay. I don't remember if I ever told them how much I loved them, and how sorry I was. I only remember the looks in their eyes, begging me to come home. A year later I did.

2010, 11 years later and I still feel such regret. Such sadness. Such pain. The only thing I can do is ask for their forgiveness.

Will they forgive me?

A Tribute to Kylie Elizabeth

A beautiful girl was taken to heaven four years ago today. She never took a breath here with us, but I know she blows kisses to us from heaven. Every year I post the poem that I wrote for her and read for her at her funeral. I find peace knowing that Kylie is watching over her two sisters. I find peace knowing that my sisters daughter is the guardian Angel watching over them.

Happy Birthday Kylie! Auntie Loves you!
(picture taken this year by my sister)

Kylie lived her life with in my sisters womb.
Years like minutes cannot last for too long, locked within that juicy tomb.
Let those who mourn remember she died,
In sweet communion with her soul inside.
Eearly in the pregnancy we felt you kick and move,

Eager to greet you, never thought so soon.
Life is a burst of joy and pain, and then like yours its done,

In our thoughts you'll always be the sparkle in the sun.

Zero breaths did you take when you entered earth,

Although you looked so angelic in your still birth.

But now we have to let you go, your spirit can be free,

Everyone will hold you near their hearts, where you will always be.

Tiny little baby, at home where you belong,

Here we gather to rejoice in tears, as we listen to the flutter of your fragile wings song.

I am a Pisces.

I don't know who I am. In an effort to find who I am I looked up my sign. I have always been fascinated by astrology.

This is extremely interesting, and hard to believe how true this is. It explains me to the 'T'. Here is an example of a problem that I as a Pisces could come across, and the solution:

Problem: A strong sense of despair not shared by family and friends, thus leaving you with that all alone feeling.

Solution: You must come out of yourself and open up to those around you, you have the power to inspire others making you an important part of the human race; take your rightful place.

Is that not what I am doing right now? I think it is. That is the reason for this blog.

The animal associated with my sign is the fish,(actually two fish swimming in different directions). The two fishes swimming in opposite directions points up the inner tensions of the sign of Pisces. I am currently at war with myself and I am so indecisive it drives me crazy.

I have a tendency to adapt emotionally to my environment. I am shy, and I am adept at imitating the mannerisms of those around me, in order to hide my own personality. (maybe for fear of not being accepted?) This is frustrating because when I sit down and think about who I am, I have no freaking Idea.

"A Piscean can too easily become a victim by identifying with the personality and problems of other people, because this severely restrict the development of their own personality and talent."-- astrology.com

Thinking about this blog too hard has brought me to the idea that maybe this is all silly. Trying to find out my past, hopefully leading up to me meeting my biological mother. I have so many questions, but is it meaningful? What am I looking for? Am I looking for a relationship with my mother? If so, is it worth it? I mean if she wanted a relationship she would be making some effort to getting to know me, don't you think? Will this help bring me closure? Or is this something that I should just let go of. *sigh* I have no idea. I am just going with the flow, and its like a tsunami of emotions coursing through my heart, my body, my mind, and my veins.

I know I am nothing like my brother or sister, or father for that matter. I am nothing like my paternal grandmother. Who am I? I don't know. Speaking with my grandmother in Florida, I am starting to learn of my family on my maternal side. I have an Aunt, 3 cousins, 2 half sisters, and of course my mother. What I hear about my Aunt and all the children, is that they are all very free-spirited. They have grown into themselves as children should. Never being coached on who and what they should become. I admire the stories I hear of my younger sister Sophie. She is like me, but the inner me. The 'me' that has not surfaced. Sophie runs around in hippie skirts barefooted. She is a writer, and a magnificent one at that.

She is the kind of girl who likes to see the world turn while she spins the other way. In her next life she'd be that glare of sunshine flickering in between strands of hair, or a tambourine. She is a free spirit. Always bare foot and always smiling. She tries her best to send good vibes out to everyone she meets and to love as many people as she can. This is how she describes herself. Beautiful isn't it?

I admire how she knows who she is and I am 25 and have no clue who I am. I wonder if that has anything to do with how I was raised. I know it does.

Some things I do know about myself..... I have a lot of sympathy. I would love to work in charities, cater for the needy, or be a nurse looking after the sick. I am a currently a Support Advocate for children and Adults with Developmental Disabilities. I am excited to become and Advocate for Woman and Children against Domestic Violence. If only I knew where to begin. How do I get myself involved? I would also love to work or volunteer in the GLBQT+ community.

Here is something else I found quite interesting about myself according to the astrology website:

"Pisceans are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful."

I think the whole asexual thing is hilarious because it seems to be so true in my case. I would much rather masturbate alone than to have sex with my partner. Isn't that horrible? lol. wow. Well, what can I say? :-) I love to watch :-P

I guess little things like this website, help bring truth to who I am. It helps me to recognize, understand and accept who I may be.

All I can do is take this one day at a time. Hopefully you will be here to accompany me on this expedition.

Being Honest with Myself.

As I chatted it up with my friend about a little about what my blog is and what I am hoping to get out of it I came to the conclusion that I am afraid.

I am afraid of what YOU the reader is going to think of my life, if I am being too honest, too blunt, too open. I am afraid of what my family is going to think about me writing about our life, as it does not just involve me. I am worried and scared about what truths are going to unravel. That maybe that perfect grandma that I always looked up to is the very one who holds all the devistating secrets.

I just do not know how this is going to turn out. So I turn to you, my readers. I need your support. Let me know you are here, share your story, comment on mine.

This is going to be a very long and exciting journey. Hold on tight!

Hell is for Children, Part Dos

Last night I started rummaging. I could not sleep. I have not been able to sleep the past few days. I am not sure why. I just lay awake, thinking. *sigh*

Whilst rummaging I found an old diary. It was an old 'Prayer of Jabez Journal'. Every page was scribbled on. I have the worst had writing ever. Between the old soggy pages of my past life were pages that had been torn out of another journal and stuffed in, as if trying to shove the memories back into place. I started to read the old scribble of a 13 year old girl, and I became quite emotional. This of course did not help with the not being able to sleep situation. I just find this all quite odd. One or more of the entries I found were actually from the time the domestic violence took place in my previous blog entry. I will now share a few exerts.

12-25-1999

"As my first entry in this journal I got today for Christmas I am going to tell you how I'm feeling.

I feel as though the world is ending. As the sky is falling. All theses fights, wars & arguments is putting me in a tough spot. Being the creation of God (good) and the daughter of Cris (evil). If it wasn't for Adam and Eve this thing we call life, this place we live in called the world was once perfect. We all come together to create peace and we shall once again have peace.

God is great, yet the one's he created are far from this. I guess you can call us Evil."

1-19-2000

"Today Ka'aka stopped by. I was kind of scared because I thought dad would get angry... HE WAS. My dad accused me of whispering to Ka'aka. I did not though. She whispered to me and I only whispered back 'What?'.

Dad never trusts me... Probably never will. I feel lonely, and afraid. Afraid I will not be close to my dad and lonely because I mourn for a friend.... My Dad, I love him so much, but does he love me??"

1-29-2000

"talk about having a bad day. First of all I woke up at about 9:01am and made breakfast in bed for dad & Kat. then everyone else. Dad got mad and hour or two later because he couldn't find a cigarette. He told Michael and Job to go find a cigarette and not to come back with out one. Then he made Shuston Nalia and I open up every box until we found his Tobacco. Then Shuston asked Kat if dad hit her, but Kat said 'No, You don't have to worry about that'. I guess dad overheard because he got mad and told us to get out of his house. So we walked from 32nd of Maku'u to Railroad of Kaloli. Talk about an exhausting day."

2-5-2000

"Well today went okay until the ending of the afternoon. Me, Michael, Shuston, Nalia and Job got grumpy and got into some loud arguments. Michael and I got in trouble, me more though. Dad hit me twice in the face (gave me a fat bloody lip) Then knocked me in my forehead. He hit Shuston once in the face and hit Michael three times and twisted his arm. I thought it was about to snap. I should of stayed in foster care, but Michael and Shuston held me back, because I love them so much. God help us, oh God please help us-- send someone, gramma, anyone."

_______________________________________

Wow... Emotional right? It is like re-living those days over again. I even flinch to this day. I do not know what I am looking for. I do not know what this is going to become. I just want someone to hear my story. I want the whole fucking world to hear my story. Most of all I want all the little girls and boys out there to know, that they can make it. They can make it out. If I did, they can. It will take courage, because the fear and guilt will be so overwhelming they will smother you like a plastic bag over your head. Sometimes you be close to giving up. NEVER GIVE UP. Just reach your hand out, and eventually some one will grab you, and pull you to safety. Save yourself, so you can save others. The love that I had for my brother and sister, the dire need to protect and care for them is what got me out, what kept me alive.

Hell is for Children

This blog is taking a turn for the unexpected. It was supposed to be something to keep me motivated with my weight loss. It hasn't been going the way I thought it would. I will continue to blog about my weight and everything along with it, but for now I feel like this just needs to be a place for me to come and put my feelings down. I have so much going on right now emotionally its.....exhausting.

We have all the stuff going on with finding a new apartment. We applied for the one in downtown Seattle yesterday. We will find out in 7-10 business days if we were approved or not, so send your positive vibes and good thoughts our way please! I will lose my mind if we get approved. It is a perfect apartment for my fiancee, cat and I.

Being unemployed is also frustrating. Deliliah (my fiancee) is constantly telling me not to worry about it, and reassuring me. I just want to be secure, I do not want to rely on unemployment, it wouldn't last long anyway. This also feeds into the whole apartment thing. I need to know what area to be looking for work based on where we will be living. *sigh* Seattle will be a perfect central area for us to move. It is smack dab in between our family's. My family is in Everett, and Deliliah's is in Kent.

I have been struggling a lot with my feelings over family I haven't seen since I was very young. Growing up my sister, brother and I were always told that our biological mother abandoned us because she didn't love us, and she was an addict. None of us fixated on not having a mother, we just sucked it up. I ended up taking that role as the oldest. I don't have any full memories before 2nd or 3grade. I will have random memories of split second things. I don't know if they are something that happened or something that my mind has made up. I'm not crazy.

So here I go.

I have always feared my father. I know my brother and sister have as well. We love our dad of course, but it doesn't come without fear.

I always remember being afraid to come home from school in elementary school with a warning for miss-behaving. No matter how insignificant the warning was for, I would get beat hard. This happened with everything. I remember walking out of the grocery store carrying a box of a dozen donuts. I was not paying attention and I was goofing around. I dropped the box of donuts. My step mom saw the fear in my eyes as I fell to the ground and started throwing the donuts in the box as if my life depended on it, before my dad noticed. Well he noticed. He threw me in the back of the car and smacked me, then he got in the front seat, turned around and hit me again. The whole ride home he kept his hand reached around back pinching me. My brother and sister sat next to me in silence, fearful they may be next.

My step mother got beat a lot. Her and my father would go out, and she would come back all back and blue. My dad beat her in front of us all the time. When we were living in woodinville he knocked out her teeth, and she had to get false teeth. We got beat with belts, hands, or whatever was around.

When we moved to Hawaii after the fourth grade things got worse. Dad drank all the time. One time he chased our step mom around the yard with a wrench, while we were in the car with some friends waiting to take them home. How embarrassing! Another time we were in the car, and he was beating her while driving. It got so bad that she tried to jump out of the car while it was moving. He got her by her hair and pulled her in. When we got home it continued.

My brother got quite a bit of beatings, almost worse then my sister and I. He got beat with a 2 x 4, he got thrown into the side of the house because he accidentally let go on his side of the pool while we were trying to put it together.

I remember on my birthday I sat in the garage crying because my dad was beating my step-mom. The next year on my birthday I had friends over and my brother and I bickered, my dad took us both upstairs and beat us with the belt.

I want to clarify, when I say "he beat us", I mean he really went at it. He beat us until we couldn't cry anymore. I have scars on the inside of my lip from him punching me in my face.

My step mom eventually left to a shelter for battered woman and children, she took me, my brother and sister along as well. It didn't last for long, she ended up flying back to the mainland and we were given back to my dad.

Things got bad again. I remember trying to find comfort where ever I could. I was 13 or 14 now. I would always be over at my best friends house. His dad was always a little too friendly. I didn't know it was wrong. Or maybe I did, and I didn't care. So much was going on. I decided to try and kill myself. I told a friend, and they told the counselor. They told the counselor everything. I was soon removed from my dads house and placed into foster care. Where I bounced from house to house. I started skipping school and getting in fights with my foster sisters.

I still feel guilty to this day for leaving my sister and brother alone with my dad. I decided to go back to my dads. I missed a good 2 months of school because I had to stay home and take care of my sister. She was really sick.

I remember she had uku's at the time, and we had a bunk bed. She wanted to come sleep on my bed and I said no, because I didn't want to catch the uku's. She started whining, I was so afraid that she would wake up my dad, I had her come sleep in my bed. I knew that if she woke up my dad he would be very upset. I remember tip toeing to the bathroom to get a drink of water one night, and I was VERY quiet, he came out of his room and caught me. He smacked the cup of water out of my hand and then smacked me.

In the 8th grade we were now living in a different house on Maku'u drive in Hawaii. We now also had a new step mom, and a step brother, and step sister. They were the same age as my brother and sister. My dad started treating them as his family, and left my brother, sister and I to fend for ourselves. We had no food in the house. I would walk around for hours gathering fruit like banana's and lychee off of neighbors tree's, just so we would have something to eat.

One night my dad locked us out of the house and told us not to come back until we found him some tobacco. We walked over 32 blocks, and eventually ended up at Auntie Dot's house, and acquaintance. Our uncle Jon came and got us, and told us not to worry. He knew how dad was, and he never would let dad hurt us. The next day he and his wife came over with their kids & some groceries and made us dinner.

In January of 2000 I got on an airplane with all of the kids and flew without the parents to mainland, with a lay over in Honolulu. When we landed in Seattle, my grandma, and aunt were waiting for us. We were all tired and relieved. The parents did not end up flying to Seattle until March.

This started a whole new chapter in our lives. Eventually everyone ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom because they got kicked out of my aunts house. I was the only one who stuck it out, that is until my senior year when I got kicked out. My dad was still abusive. He was now beating my step mom. He also beat my sister. He never dared lay a hand on the step kids. In 2005 my sister moved in with me in my own apartment. My dad signed custody of her over to me. I now was responsible for my sister and her 5 month old daughter.

My brother traveled down a very dark scary road alone for several years. He is doing much better now. I am proud of him. My sister also is doing well, she has a beautiful family.

In 2009 I got a call from my brother saying that dad had beaten my step mom very bad. Shortly after I got a call from my sister stating the same thing. I took a long drive from Issaquah to Everett to see my step mom. She was broken. I called the police, I do not regret this action. My step mom was covered from head to toe in bruises. She had cigarette burns on her chest, back, and legs. She had broken ribs and a black eye. A fat lip. Enough was enough. I finally decided to do something about it. It was time for my father to pay for everything that he is done. I called the police and they documented everything. My dad was set on a 25k bond. He got out.

My father denies ever beating us, said we only got what we deserved. UGH!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, so this blog entry really went off somewhere I didn't think it was. Thinking about my family in Florida just brings up so much crap for me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't bitter about us being left with such an ass. Even more now knowing how close of a family they are over there. I even have 2 half sisters I have not met. I think what really gets me going is that all these years no one came to save us.

AND only now, that I am pursuing an interest in them is a relationship even being formed. My grandmother in Florida is the only one that contacts me. My mother doesn't call me. Yet when I email her she seems more than willing to talk. I am so confused. I am hurt. I am broken.

My grandfather Swander passed away this year, and along with him going a lot of stuff came up. My grandmother Swander said that we were never abandoned that we were taken.

I made a promise to my sister that I would find out everything I could. Find out what really happened when we were separated from our mother, and that is exactly what I am going to do this year.

2010 is the year for truth, justice, and hopefully a reunion.

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away

'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully

And it chills to the bone

Will anyone get close to me?

I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul

An ending to this fear

Forgiveness for a man who was stronger

I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tearsThey hide in the light, so you can't see their fearsForgive and forget, all the whileLove and pain become one and the sameIn the eyes of a wounded child
Because HellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you know that their little lives can become such a messHellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
It's all so confusing, this brutal abusingThey blacken your eyes, and then apologizeYou're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thingBe a good little boy, and you'll get a new toyTell grandma you fell off the swing
Because HellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you know that their little lives can become such a messHellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
No, Hell Is For Children

A taste of Cherry on Saturday afternoon.

Today I was supposed to go into work. This would of been my last day, due to my layoff. Falling asleep last night did not come easy, my mind flooding with 'should I's and shouldn't I's'. I've never been good with goodbyes it is easier for me to just walk away.

I think I found my dream apartment today. It is in the heart of downtown Seattle, and where all the queers frequent. Yes, Capitol Hill. It is on the 9th floor of a very old brick building, who's history is unknown. lt has an amazing city view that at night I just know will be breathtaking. The old building has two elevators, two laundry rooms, and purple doors : -), oh yes, lets not forget to mention the buzz in entry, and the location so convenient that we can walk or bus to anywhere.

Its small, quaint, affordable, includes all utilities including electricity. It has a huge walk in closet with a built in vintage style dresser with glass knobs. It has a decent amnt of storage. The bathroom is average size. The kitchen is beautiful and open to the living room.

My fiancée and I will be looking at more apartments tomorrow, but I think we have both already made our decision.

hey!

I'm doing a test post from my android phone. test test test.

3rd day of Spring

I found out last week Thursday that I am indeed getting laid off from work. Its quite a disappointment, but I am trying to look on the brighter side of things. Such as:

Enjoying this beautiful sunshine.
Work on moving back north.
Focus a little more on myself, my health, and my life.
Being able to spend more time with my beautiful fiance.

Those are good things don't you think? I am excited for a new chapter to begin in my life. Maybe this it?! We will see, and I sure hope that you will all join me on my journey :-).

3rd day of Spring!

I found out last week Thursday that I am indeed getting laid off from work. Its quite a disappointment, but I am trying to look on the brighter side of things. Such as:

Enjoying this beautiful sunshine.
Work on moving back north.
Focus a little more on myself, my health, and my life.
Being able to spend more time with my beautiful fiance.

Those are good things don't you think? I am excited for a new chapter to begin in my life. Maybe this it?! We will see, and I sure hope that you will all join me on my journey :-).

Posted by OrchidsofDove at 5:43 PM

Late Lunch

Okay so it is 4:10 pm and I am now about to eat my lunch. I have 1020 calories left for the day, lets see how I did.

Lunch: 10 Baby Carrots- 40 Calories
1 cup of salad- 7.5 Calories
2 slices of Stacker pickles- 5 Calories
2 medium flour tortillas- 260 Calories
10 Shrimp- 80 Calories
1 tbsp of Butter- 60 Calories
Turkey lunch Meat- 45 Calories
Total: 497.5 Calories
Total Left: 522 Calories

My lunch today is Delish. 2 Snack wraps, One was a turkey Salad snack wrap and the other was a shrimp salad snack wrap. The shrimp was sauteed in 1 tbsp of butter with S&P, it was then set aside while the tortillas browned in the same pan. I then divided the 1 cup of salad between the two tortillas. I added shrimp to one, and turkey to the other, topped it of with about 1 tbsp of lemon juice divided btwn the two. Then a side of baby carrots and two slices of a pickle.

I did not count the lemon juice in as any calories. 1 cup of lemon juice is 61 calories, I only used one tbsp of lemon juice from a fresh lemon. Since there is 16 tablespoons to one cup, its approximately 0.3 calories per one tbsp of lemon juice.

If you have any low calorie recipes you'd like to share, I would love it!

Today

Today represents the beginning of hopefully a healthier me! Deliliah, my partner and fiance has made the decision to join the Air-force. Deliliah is skinny, she denies it all day, but she is. She has decided to get in shape for the Air-force. I have decided to join her.

Today we start out 1700 calorie intake diet. Just thinking about this puts me in a great mood. I so far have had:

Breakfast: 1 cup of wholegrain Granola-400 Calories
1 cup of whole milk-160 calories
1 large banana-120 calories
Total: 680 calories
left: 1020 calories left for day

Today I also started exercising. After searching on demand exercise TV, I found Yoga for beginners. I decided to give it a go. Man it was amazing. I could only do the first 15 minutes because the rest of it was impossible for me to do due to my weight. My fat just gets in the way. The first 15 minutes were amazing though. I felt the burn! Before I started I just did some basic stretches, stretching out my arms, legs, thighs, and abdomen. Then I began the yoga. Now that I am finished I feel so loose and calm. The breathing techniques they use I found really help round out the activity. It is calming and stress relieving.

I really cannot wait to get into shape. Yoga is something I would like to continue to excel at, and carry through my weight loss and beyond.

I told myself I would drink to cups of ice cold water before I go for that glass of diet coke. (even though diet coke has zero calories!) I know it is still not very healthy.

So here is to me, my baby, and the rest of our healthy life.

Your support, comments, and love is always greatly appreciated! Please join me in this quest to become healthier, fit and confident!

Fatigue

I really need to get myself in to see the doctor. I have been suffering with so much fatigue it is ridiculous. I am always tired. I sleep until about 10am, wake up, then go back asleep right away. I have to force myself to roll out of bed.

This may have a lot to do with my thyroid being imbalanced. If I get it under the control of medication, it should help me become less fatigue, as well as lose some weight. So what am I waiting for?!

Fatigue

I really need to get myself in to see the doctor. I have been suffering with so much fatigue it is ridiculous. I am always tired. I sleep until about 10am, wake up, then go back asleep right away. I have to force myself to roll out of bed.

This may have a lot to do with my thyroid being imbalanced. If I get it under the control of medication, it should help me become less fatigue, as well as lose some weight. So what am I waiting for?!

Health

I know I am losing weight, but how much? I still have not weighed myself. How do I know I am losing weight if I have not weighed myself, you may ask... I have started getting my rag (menstrual cycle) again.

I started my period in the 4th grade! My flow has always been heavy, nasty and the cramps unbearable. I remember being in school and getting these cramps that were completely debilitating. I would drag myself to the nurses office where they would place a heating pad on my stomach and a t-leaf on my forehead. About 2 years ago, when I hit 300 lbs I stopped having my period.

My gynecologist at the time Dr. Finkle-Weaver told me that it is because of my weight and that I may stop ovulating completely. Of course I was a bit overwhelmed. She prescribed me Estrogen. Estrogen would help me continue bleeding, but would not help me ovulate. She explained to me that even though I am not menstruating that I would still cycle. The Estrogen would help sluff off the build up of blood so not to lead to getting any sort of ovarian cancer. She also explained that there would be severe cramping and pain. I never took the damn Estrogen. I was too afraid of having artificial bleeding. It just freaked me out.

I noticed that the skin behind my neck was turning a brown, ashy color. I thought it was pretty gross. I also have it between my legs in my inner thigh. It makes me very self conscious.
Dr. Finkle-Weaver told me it was Acanthosis Nigricans. It has to do with being borderline diabetic.

Around this same time I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism which causes weight gain. I was prescribed Synthroid to help regulate my thyroid hormones. I took the first prescription, but soon after did not have health insurance to continue to get my medication. This is a lot of stuff going wrong! My immune system totally shut down and I developed a severe case of Pneumonia AND the Flu. At the same time! I was on so many different antibiotics, two that I remember were Tamiflu (for the flu) and Azithromycin (for the Pneumonia).

I was slowly falling into a deep depression. My relationship at the time was ending, and I couldn't even take care of myself. I knew this was my lowest of lows. 2 years later, and I am just now trying to do something about it.

I am obese. I cannot reproduce. I am depressed. I am borderline diabetic. I have hypothyroidism. Who knows what else is going on. Man.

So you know that at that first sign of light red color on the toilet paper as I struggle to wipe myself I was ecstatic! Its been like this for about a month now. No heavy bleeding, just some discharge, and light color on the toilet paper. Still, I will take that!

It is time to get THIS body healthy!

Health (posted Tuesday, March 9, 2010)

I know I am losing weight, but how much? I still have not weighed myself. How do I know I am losing weight if I have not weighed myself, you may ask... I have started getting my rag (menstrual cycle) again.

I started my period in the 4th grade! My flow has always been heavy, nasty and the cramps unbearable. I remember being in school and getting these cramps that were completely debilitating. I would drag myself to the nurses office where they would place a heating pad on my stomach and a t-leaf on my forehead. About 2 years ago, when I hit 300 lbs I stopped having my period.

My gynecologist at the time Dr. Finkle-Weaver told me that it is because of my weight and that I may stop ovulating completely. Of course I was a bit overwhelmed. She prescribed me Estrogen. Estrogen would help me continue bleeding, but would not help me ovulate. She explained to me that even though I am not menstruating that I would still cycle. The Estrogen would help sluff off the build up of blood so not to lead to getting any sort of ovarian cancer. She also explained that there would be severe cramping and pain. I never took the damn Estrogen. I was too afraid of having artificial bleeding. It just freaked me out.

I noticed that the skin behind my neck was turning a brown, ashy color. I thought it was pretty gross. I also have it between my legs in my inner thigh. It makes me very self conscious.
Dr. Finkle-Weaver told me it was Acanthosis Nigricans. It has to do with being borderline diabetic.

Around this same time I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism which causes weight gain. I was prescribed Synthroid to help regulate my thyroid hormones. I took the first prescription, but soon after did not have health insurance to continue to get my medication. This is a lot of stuff going wrong! My immune system totally shut down and I developed a severe case of Pneumonia AND the Flu. At the same time! I was on so many different antibiotics, two that I remember were Tamiflu (for the flu) and Azithromycin (for the Pneumonia).

I was slowly falling into a deep depression. My relationship at the time was ending, and I couldn't even take care of myself. I knew this was my lowest of lows. 2 years later, and I am just now trying to do something about it.

I am obese. I cannot reproduce. I am depressed. I am borderline diabetic. I have hypothyroidism. Who knows what else is going on. Man.

So you know that at that first sign of light red color on the toilet paper as I struggle to wipe myself I was ecstatic! Its been like this for about a month now. No heavy bleeding, just some discharge, and light color on the toilet paper. Still, I will take that!

It is time to get THIS body healthy!

Posted by OrchidsofDove at 3:44 PM

A bit about me.

Hey Girls (and guys)! My name is Crisanna aka Orchid. The Phat girl! I am 24 years old and have been morbidly obese for several years. I am 5'1". I have not weighed myself in three years. Three years ago I weighed 310lbs. I may very well be over that now.

I am here to share my story. this blog is to help me become 100% honest with myself and with you. Things are going to get very personal very quick. We are going to be discussing difficulties found in activities of daily living, sex, illnesses, diseases and so much more.

These are things that even I am embarrassed to discuss, but I need to. My wight has been out of control and I know I am not the only one out there.

Lets keep it REAL ladies!

Welcome!

So, as you read in my introduction my name is Crisanna. I am here to share my story with you. To reach out to you, and hopefully for you to reach out to me. This is an interactive blog. I want your advise, your ideas, and most of all I want you to feel comfortable to say anything here. This is a safe place.

I have been overweight for YEARS. I am 24 now and have been heavy since middle school. I got the idea to write this blog yesterday while I was in the shower. I was thinking to myself "Damn, it really should not be this hard to shave my legs. I have pretty much given up on shaving my Vagina. It makes me wonder... Is there someone out there who will shave my vagina for me? Does anyone else have the same problem? There must be! I am tired of keeping these issues bottled up, and I think it is something that needs to be discussed".

Being over weight has started to affect the activities of my daily living. Harder to bend over, harder to shave, harder to wipe my ass. Its getting harder to just walk a block. None of this makes me feel pretty. It has really affected my sex life with my partner and I. I just do not want to have sex. Even though she says she loves me the way I am, i just cannot believe that. How can she love this. This fat, disgusting body. I sure the hell do not.

I by no means want to skinny. I love curves. I want to be able to get healthy. Sexy. I want to be a fatty with confidence. But how do I get there? Hopefully you will help me, and I can help you.

Hi There!

I ain't fat. I'm sexy succulent. I am PHATABULOUS! I hate skinny bitches, and Holy god, I'm as fat as Jesus' wife Lereznon.

I am a PHAT GIRL.