The Hours

I am now officially residing in BellTown Seattle. It has been a long time coming. The view of the Space Needle at night is breath taking. I am so happy about living in the city. I do however have to get used to people walking right in front of our windows. I like to keep the windows open during the day, little man and I love people watching. I find myself wanting to scare every unsuspecting Seattlite that walks by, by yelling, 'RAWR' lol.
There is a surprising amount of foot traffic outside our windows. I would have said it was because we are only a block from the Seattle Center, but we get just as much foot traffic at 3 a.m. as we do during daylight. Laying in bed listening to the late night car and transit traffic is soothing. It reminds me of my grandmother's old house just off the freeway in Monroe. I would stay up late listening to the unseen traffic zoom by. The only two differences now are that I am now sharing a bed with my fiancée instead of my grandmother, and I now can also occasionally hear the drunks on their way home. Listening to them scream, mumble, and stumble makes me wonder what their story is, and what led them to drink.
Internet will be connected on the third, so for now I am writing you from my lovely Android MyTouch.
For now, this is Orchid in Seattle, signing out.

Walking Blind

I have never thought about where things are going in my life, as much as I do now. Looking back on how I used to live my life is like looking at old archived news papers in the library news paper reading room, that just shoot the grey papers by so fast. I was so caught up in life. I was never in any sort of stable environment. Moving constantly, relationships constantly changing. I used to be so bold. lol I say this because I would always meet up with anyone I met online, as unsafe as that may have been. I was all about making friends, experiencing new things and having a good time.

I like to think I am the same person now, though life has slowed down so much. I am in my second serious committed relationship. The first one tore my heart to shreds. I really gave into that pain and heartache. I lost everything I was. Several years have passed and I still feel like I am trying to get on stable ground. Trying to find myself again. I have a lot to work on.

I've been so hurt by people who are closest to me, friends and family. I forgive. Always. I get hurt again. I forgive again. It is a cycle. When I watch shows like 'Sex in the City', 'Desperate Housewife's' as naive as it may be (i know they are tv shows) it really makes me sad. I want more than anything to have a group of friend I can turn to no matter what. A group of individuals I can really count on to be there. People I can have a good time with, and get together with on a weekly basis. To play board games, cards, watch Lword series, or whatever. I sort of feel like I am stopping myself. I don't know why, or how. I don't even know how to go about making friends. That is pretty devastating.

We move next week. I am exciting because this feels like the last move, for a long time. I will be in a central area close to family, and lots of activities (so I stop being a home body). I will be broadcasting from SEATTLE baby! I can take a short bus ride to Westlake Center or even Pike Place Market!

I have no idea what comes next. I am walking blind into love, into life and into what comes next. My eyes are blind folded, and my heart is ready for anything to take place.

Turmoil with Food

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. --Mark Twain

Its time to get to the core of why I'm overweight. Food has been my crack, my heroin, my meth, my cocaine, my alcohol, my family.

Having issues with weight is always about more than the food. My beliefs show up in my relationship with food. So if I'm eating when I'm not hungry or bored, I'm basically saying I can't feel these feelings. Life is too much for me (or not enough in my case). There's no goodness in my life except for food right here, right now. I'm basically eating because I've given up on something, some part of myself. You think that, 'I am so small that the pain is going to overwhelm me,' but in reality the truth is you've already experienced that pain.

And what food does at that point is it doubles your pain, rather than make it go away. You're still in pain about what you were in pain about before you ate, but now you've added a whole level of more discomfort which is: 'Oh, I can't believe I ate this. What's wrong with me? Am I ever going to get my life together?' Then you're feeling like a failure on top of the discomfort you were feeling before.

Most people who are not over weight do not understand that food, to us, is an addiction. I am addicted to food. We use food to 'Numb out'. We use it to cover our feelings, our boredom.

I have never been a religious individual, more spiritual. When I refer to 'God' I refer to something that is bigger. We each have this longing—we've had moments of awe and wonder in our lives. A lot of us don't call that God, but we know that something is possible for every one of us besides our daily lives. The way we get caught with errands and taking care of other people. We feel that this possibility exists, wonder and mystery and possibility ... or the feeling you have in nature. The feeling that everything is possible. I have learned that my relationship with food is directly related to how close I am to the source. The issue isn't really the food. It is about my disconnection from that which is real which we call 'God'. Real = God Life = God

We turn to food as an obsession, addiction. Obsession gives you something to do besides have your heart shattered by heart-shattering events or emotions. The emotional struggle that accompanies overeating is familiar, whereas the "heart-shattering events" are often new and raw. We are afraid that the pain will destroy us. Or the heartbreak, or the discomfort even. We don't actually know that we can feel those feelings without being destroyed by them. Getting up and living day-to-day and going through the stuff of day-to-day, that's difficult. But somehow we believe that food is cushioning it.

Conquering issues with weight starts with learning to love yourself. How do I start looking at myself and loving myself? Kindness.

You might ask, 'What made you come to this conclusion?'. What really clicked was recognizing that going to the food hasn't been working and that what I've been looking for isn't in the food. So what I am trying to get rid of and what I am trying to not feel, it didn't help to be eating over it. The other thing that clicked was that there is a whole lot of pain there to look at. I need to look at some of the layers, recognizing some of the beliefs that are keeping me at the weight where I am. Those beliefs, are that I'm not good enough, that nobody likes me and that nobody would accept me the way I am. Being overweight feels like a disability. I am still a person, a human, just like you. I wish people could see that.

Growing up as a child was so hard, what I'm really feeling is every time I have ever been beaten by my father. Every time my step mom told me that I was ugly. That I would never find someone to love me if I was over weight. That over weight individuals do not deserve love. She looks at me with disgust, hatred almost. What I recognize as I'm stuffing myself with the burgers, sandwiches, is I still have that feeling of if I don't do what pleased the other person, then somehow that person has the power to annihilate me. I've been so intimidated by someone who isn't even in my life anymore.

We somehow believe that if we hate ourselves enough, if we shame ourselves enough, we'll end up thin, happy, peaceful people. Somehow if I torture myself enough, I'll end up feeling great about myself and about my life, as if hatred leads to love and torture leads to contentment.

Does that make sense at all?! Hell to the No!

It's time to start loving myself, treating myself.