The Shadow in the background of the Morgue

ARGH.

What is going on with me. Usually I can handle a lot of bs. I just cannot do it anymore. I cant do the work politics, I cant do the work gossip. I find myself shutting people out and pushing them away because I do not have it in me to.......care. Which is pretty ironic if you ask me... Its my job to care after all. It is in my nature.

I am starting to think that maybe 'they' were right when they said that our zodiacs are shifting or have been different all along. If we go by that I would be an Aquarius and not a Pisces. I know in my core I am a Pisces, but what is it that I am battling?! I feel like there is such a negative part of me trying to get out. Someone manipulative, thoughtless, angry, selfish and rageful.

I don't like it... It scares me. I mean this thing inside of me is completely capable of anything, and I mean anything. I have been incredibly insensitive lately, to myself and others. For that I want to apologize to all of you. If you crossed my path and I have been anti-social, angry, defensive, whatever. Idk wtf it is.

So where do we go from here? I am really not sure. I don't want to change. I don't want to be this person, full of negativity, anger and so selfish. I want to find a good medium.

I think a lot of different events pushed me over the edge a bit. Instead of finding a way to say no, and create boundaries I have gone to the extreme of just shutting everyone out and not caring. It seems it is either be hurt or not at all. I have such a huge wall up, I could walk away from just about anyone right now with no sorrow. How could I have let myself get to this point?

Oh man. Just so much shit is going on too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Crap and a half man!! Crap crap crap.

I leave my Heart on the table for you.

So... What brings me here today? What brings me here any day? The inability to hold anything in any longer. The need to get things off my chest? Perhaps a want to be heard.... Whatever it is... Here I am yet again.

Looking back at my posts, some of them are themed, others are scattered. I think today's post is a bit scattered. Maybe a lot scattered.

Work is going great. I couldn't ask for a better job or better co-workers. They are what I need right now in my life. I hope they feel the same. I am working for the same company I worked for a few years ago. To me it feels like this is where I am supposed to be. It must. After-all, here I am again. :-)

Love is a complicated thing. When it comes to family, friends, or your significant other(s). I was watching something on tv. A woman. In love with two men. Completely heart broken. Torn. Alone. She was lost, and didn't know what to do. Her therapist made a very valid point.... You love your mother and your father don't you? You love both of your children don't you? So why wouldn't you love two men. It is completely possible. For some reason, this put my heart at ease. I am not saying I am in love with two people. At all. I personally think the more love, the better. So hell yeah I am excited at the thought of having another possible soul mate out there. Is that greedy? Most likely... I think the biggest thing to watch out for when you get into a situation like that, is mess! That shit can get messy fast, I am sure of it, and by messy, I mean drama, heart break, MESSY! Do you have two loves? Two soul mates? If you do, I would love to hear about, how it works for you. You can post anonymously, or not :-)

I think this was a small post... I am at work, so I have lost my train of thought about 7 times now. So forgive me :-P.

-Orchid