It was last night at an empty warehouse party...

I want you to see the tears running down my cheek.

This blog post is dedicated to all of the users/abusers/and oblivious that take advantage of genuinely kind people.

What gets you off? Does this?

We are a kind loving people. We open our arms to you. We are your friends and your family. Our hearts are easily broken, but we are quick to forgive.

We will, without hesitating, put our hearts back on the line for you, even if it means getting our hearts broken again.

Unaware that even we have a breaking point, our hearts can be broken so many times until it shatters... our souls. This is when we shut down. We become distant. Do you even notice? Or are you so quick to push us aside because we are no longer strong enough to be used by you any longer? We build a wall higher then the heavens around our hearts, never to be touched again. This is where we become sad, bitter, and angry. Do you even notice, or do our feelings matter?

You take advantage of our generosity. Don't even think about "liking" this post. Because even you are a user of a vulnerable heart.

So for everyone like me, I say to everyone like you... Fuck You.

Fuck You to all the Mothers, Fathers, Friends, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Children, Acquaintances, Classmates, Spouses, and everyone in between, who do not notice how much you hurt us.

Push us far enough and it will result in a lost soul. Take it how you want.

Holy Mother Load of Frustration!

This blog has been postponed for way too long. I have been wanting to blog, and have even had what I wanted to say all planned out in my head, but for what ever reason I just could not bring myself to sit down and write.

I do not even know where to begin with the events that have been going on.

My sister has been going through a lot. I feel like our relationship is diminishing. I of course as always stand by her side and support her. I only hear from her when I call her, or if she needs to vent.

Me again trying to help my brother and get him out of trouble, has now drug me into the situation, and I am now paying the price for his mistake. I do not understand why he feels the need to lie and con.

I got my old job back, but I am only working part-time.

Now here is what I am currently boggled over. I just have no Idea what the fuck to do.

My ex Joe (Joe is a FTM-born female but transitioned to male) and I split up about 2 years ago. Our relationship was coming to an end a bit before I moved out. I moved out when I found out that he was sleeping with his best friend. SMH.

Now Joe is engaged to his best friend (who is female and we will call 'A'). Because Joe has now legally transitioned from FTM he can legally marry his fiance 'A' because he is now considered a straight male (he really identifies as queer), and his fiance is a straight female (well she identifies as gay). They queer world is so complicated, but in the end everyone on the outside will see them as a straight Male/Female couple.

Joe and I still have not dissolved our domestic partnership. Our domestic partnership is under his birth name and sex (female). So now that he has transitioned into a whole new gender, does that void our domestic partnership since "she" no longer exists? Does this make sense to anyone?

Joe can get married to A because Joe is now legally a man, and A is a female. But where does that leave me legally? Do I still need to dissolve this pre-existing partnership with Joe, before I can have one with my current partner? Or is it now void since the person I was legally partnered to legally really no longer exists?

Shit like this would not be so damn complicated if gay's could have the same right to marry as straights. Fuck you.

I have called all over the place and they all give me the bs run around. I don't need a lawyer, there are no assets to divide or anything like that. We are both willingly wanting to dissolve our partnership. What I am concerned about is Joe being able to get married regardless to the domestic partnership we currently have. If he is able to do that he is not going to want to go out of his way to help me dissolve something that does not directly affect him. When my partner and I decide to get our domestic partnership-I am still going to be bound to this person who no longer exists. Because the partnership does not affect Joe in anyway any longer, I am worried that I am going to be stuck in this bullshit predicament.

Independence Day 2010

Happy post 4th of July Seattle!! It's amazing how far we have come in just a year! Last year the host of Lake Union's Family Fourth, One Reel, announced that they would no longer be holding the annual Family Fourth at Gas Works park due to lack of funding. Seattle really pulled together not only a community, but a family and raised the funds necessary to be able to continue this magnificent gathering.

This year was amazing! My girlfriend and I scrambled all over Seattle trying to find the right spot to settle down and watch the fireworks. This is our first year in Seattle for the 4th of July, we had absolutely no clue where to plant our selves. We finally got to a corner on a sidewalk where we could view the Fireworks going off at Lake Union just perfectly. We were surrounded by other Seattlites huddled together in the wind waiting to view the long awaited show. It lasted about 20 minutes and had many amazing, colorful, loud fireworks shaped as smiley faces, boxes, and more.

This year the Family Fourth got the 'Presidents of the United States of America' to perform live at the event. They were amazing! They played a smash of all their greatest hits. They actually had a small mosh pit going on up front. I did not envy the individuals in the front getting smooshed up against the fence that bordered around the stage.

Over all this year was spectacular. It seemed more special this year than any year, because this year Independence Day was not just hosted by one company, but all of Seattle, business owners and individuals alike. So I say Thank you Seattle. Thank you for an amazing year! I sure hope to see you next year!

What was your Independence Day 2010 like this year? Please leave a comment and let me know!

Psychoanalysis & Pop Psychology

I got to thinking about fathers, or the lack there of. Some say a daughters relationship with her father is a model for all of her sub-sequential relationships with men. Is that just pop psychology, or is there some truth to it? And if you were given a less than perfect model does it mean a life of less than perfect relationships? I couldn't help but wonder... how much does a father figure, figure?

Does this theory apply to homosexual relationships? Sigmund Freud's basic theory of human sexuality was that all human beings were innately bisexual, and that they become heterosexual or homosexual as a result of their experiences with parents and others (Freud, 1905). In a now-famous letter to an American mother in 1935, Freud wrote:

"Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation, it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc.). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime, and cruelty too....(reprinted in Jones, 1957, pp. 208-209, from the American Journal of Psychiatry, 1951, 107, 786).

Does this mean, if I did not form a (good) relationship with either of my parents (at birth or early child hood) I am definitely going to be screwed when it comes to forming relationships with a perspective partner?

Just something to think about...

Relationships are about compromise. But where do you draw the line between compromising, and compromising yourself? Is it possible to be so much in love that you don't exist anymore, but only your 'compromised self'?

On that note, love... love is a tricky think. It is dangerous, and sneaky. Which brings us to another subject... Fate. Do the stars and the moon control fate? Is there really that one person out there for each of us, and if so, with one wrong turn or mistake can we loose or miss out on that person and be alone forever?

Walking Blind

I have never thought about where things are going in my life, as much as I do now. Looking back on how I used to live my life is like looking at old archived news papers in the library news paper reading room, that just shoot the grey papers by so fast. I was so caught up in life. I was never in any sort of stable environment. Moving constantly, relationships constantly changing. I used to be so bold. lol I say this because I would always meet up with anyone I met online, as unsafe as that may have been. I was all about making friends, experiencing new things and having a good time.

I like to think I am the same person now, though life has slowed down so much. I am in my second serious committed relationship. The first one tore my heart to shreds. I really gave into that pain and heartache. I lost everything I was. Several years have passed and I still feel like I am trying to get on stable ground. Trying to find myself again. I have a lot to work on.

I've been so hurt by people who are closest to me, friends and family. I forgive. Always. I get hurt again. I forgive again. It is a cycle. When I watch shows like 'Sex in the City', 'Desperate Housewife's' as naive as it may be (i know they are tv shows) it really makes me sad. I want more than anything to have a group of friend I can turn to no matter what. A group of individuals I can really count on to be there. People I can have a good time with, and get together with on a weekly basis. To play board games, cards, watch Lword series, or whatever. I sort of feel like I am stopping myself. I don't know why, or how. I don't even know how to go about making friends. That is pretty devastating.

We move next week. I am exciting because this feels like the last move, for a long time. I will be in a central area close to family, and lots of activities (so I stop being a home body). I will be broadcasting from SEATTLE baby! I can take a short bus ride to Westlake Center or even Pike Place Market!

I have no idea what comes next. I am walking blind into love, into life and into what comes next. My eyes are blind folded, and my heart is ready for anything to take place.

Guilt & Regret

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. – Henry David Thoreau

I used to think that guilt and regret went hand in hand... The emotions of guilt and regret are often so inextricably linked that it's hard to tell the difference between the two. Subtle as it is, there is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling regretful. In order to fix mistakes or move forward emotionally, we need to be able to differentiate between the two.

Recently I had a different perspective on guilt being presented to me. Lama Samten from the Buddhist Monastery Karma Choeling, north of Auckland, said that he has had difficulties understanding the exact meaning of feeling guilty. Someone who grew up in Tibet knows regret, but does not feel guilty. Lama Samten suggested that feeling guilty might be based on the assumption that at the time we would have had the power or capacity to do things differently. When we feel guilty, we overestimate ourselves.

Examine the motive of the event, experience or decision that is causing you to feel this way. Motive is important when trying to differentiate between regret and guilt. If what you have done was done in order to cause another person pain or harm, then the feeling you are experiencing is guilt not regret.

Listen to your words or thoughts for the words "I wish." These words often indicate you are feeling regretful that something turned out as it did or didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Regretfulness occurs when you've inadvertently acted or made a decision that caused harm or pain and you wish you could change it.

Regret gives us the option to make up if we hurt another person, it allows for a softening that is necessary in asking for forgiveness. When we make ourselves feel guilty, on the other hand, we intensify our suffering and often harden.

After differentiating the two... I feel regret. I am guilty of many things, but never have I felt regret. To me regret is almost worse than guilt. Regret is knowing that I did something wrong, even though at the time I had no control over what had occured, I wish with all my being that I could have gone back. I could have done something different.

I regret that I left my brother and sister alone with that devil of a man we call father. dad. uku. The parent. I was only about 13, 1999. There was so much going on. I regret being put into foster care and leaving them alone in his care. I don't remember if I ever asked them if they were okay. I don't remember if I ever told them how much I loved them, and how sorry I was. I only remember the looks in their eyes, begging me to come home. A year later I did.

2010, 11 years later and I still feel such regret. Such sadness. Such pain. The only thing I can do is ask for their forgiveness.

Will they forgive me?

A Tribute to Kylie Elizabeth

A beautiful girl was taken to heaven four years ago today. She never took a breath here with us, but I know she blows kisses to us from heaven. Every year I post the poem that I wrote for her and read for her at her funeral. I find peace knowing that Kylie is watching over her two sisters. I find peace knowing that my sisters daughter is the guardian Angel watching over them.

Happy Birthday Kylie! Auntie Loves you!
(picture taken this year by my sister)

Kylie lived her life with in my sisters womb.
Years like minutes cannot last for too long, locked within that juicy tomb.
Let those who mourn remember she died,
In sweet communion with her soul inside.
Eearly in the pregnancy we felt you kick and move,

Eager to greet you, never thought so soon.
Life is a burst of joy and pain, and then like yours its done,

In our thoughts you'll always be the sparkle in the sun.

Zero breaths did you take when you entered earth,

Although you looked so angelic in your still birth.

But now we have to let you go, your spirit can be free,

Everyone will hold you near their hearts, where you will always be.

Tiny little baby, at home where you belong,

Here we gather to rejoice in tears, as we listen to the flutter of your fragile wings song.

I am a Pisces.

I don't know who I am. In an effort to find who I am I looked up my sign. I have always been fascinated by astrology.

This is extremely interesting, and hard to believe how true this is. It explains me to the 'T'. Here is an example of a problem that I as a Pisces could come across, and the solution:

Problem: A strong sense of despair not shared by family and friends, thus leaving you with that all alone feeling.

Solution: You must come out of yourself and open up to those around you, you have the power to inspire others making you an important part of the human race; take your rightful place.

Is that not what I am doing right now? I think it is. That is the reason for this blog.

The animal associated with my sign is the fish,(actually two fish swimming in different directions). The two fishes swimming in opposite directions points up the inner tensions of the sign of Pisces. I am currently at war with myself and I am so indecisive it drives me crazy.

I have a tendency to adapt emotionally to my environment. I am shy, and I am adept at imitating the mannerisms of those around me, in order to hide my own personality. (maybe for fear of not being accepted?) This is frustrating because when I sit down and think about who I am, I have no freaking Idea.

"A Piscean can too easily become a victim by identifying with the personality and problems of other people, because this severely restrict the development of their own personality and talent."-- astrology.com

Thinking about this blog too hard has brought me to the idea that maybe this is all silly. Trying to find out my past, hopefully leading up to me meeting my biological mother. I have so many questions, but is it meaningful? What am I looking for? Am I looking for a relationship with my mother? If so, is it worth it? I mean if she wanted a relationship she would be making some effort to getting to know me, don't you think? Will this help bring me closure? Or is this something that I should just let go of. *sigh* I have no idea. I am just going with the flow, and its like a tsunami of emotions coursing through my heart, my body, my mind, and my veins.

I know I am nothing like my brother or sister, or father for that matter. I am nothing like my paternal grandmother. Who am I? I don't know. Speaking with my grandmother in Florida, I am starting to learn of my family on my maternal side. I have an Aunt, 3 cousins, 2 half sisters, and of course my mother. What I hear about my Aunt and all the children, is that they are all very free-spirited. They have grown into themselves as children should. Never being coached on who and what they should become. I admire the stories I hear of my younger sister Sophie. She is like me, but the inner me. The 'me' that has not surfaced. Sophie runs around in hippie skirts barefooted. She is a writer, and a magnificent one at that.

She is the kind of girl who likes to see the world turn while she spins the other way. In her next life she'd be that glare of sunshine flickering in between strands of hair, or a tambourine. She is a free spirit. Always bare foot and always smiling. She tries her best to send good vibes out to everyone she meets and to love as many people as she can. This is how she describes herself. Beautiful isn't it?

I admire how she knows who she is and I am 25 and have no clue who I am. I wonder if that has anything to do with how I was raised. I know it does.

Some things I do know about myself..... I have a lot of sympathy. I would love to work in charities, cater for the needy, or be a nurse looking after the sick. I am a currently a Support Advocate for children and Adults with Developmental Disabilities. I am excited to become and Advocate for Woman and Children against Domestic Violence. If only I knew where to begin. How do I get myself involved? I would also love to work or volunteer in the GLBQT+ community.

Here is something else I found quite interesting about myself according to the astrology website:

"Pisceans are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful."

I think the whole asexual thing is hilarious because it seems to be so true in my case. I would much rather masturbate alone than to have sex with my partner. Isn't that horrible? lol. wow. Well, what can I say? :-) I love to watch :-P

I guess little things like this website, help bring truth to who I am. It helps me to recognize, understand and accept who I may be.

All I can do is take this one day at a time. Hopefully you will be here to accompany me on this expedition.

Hell is for Children, Part Dos

Last night I started rummaging. I could not sleep. I have not been able to sleep the past few days. I am not sure why. I just lay awake, thinking. *sigh*

Whilst rummaging I found an old diary. It was an old 'Prayer of Jabez Journal'. Every page was scribbled on. I have the worst had writing ever. Between the old soggy pages of my past life were pages that had been torn out of another journal and stuffed in, as if trying to shove the memories back into place. I started to read the old scribble of a 13 year old girl, and I became quite emotional. This of course did not help with the not being able to sleep situation. I just find this all quite odd. One or more of the entries I found were actually from the time the domestic violence took place in my previous blog entry. I will now share a few exerts.

12-25-1999

"As my first entry in this journal I got today for Christmas I am going to tell you how I'm feeling.

I feel as though the world is ending. As the sky is falling. All theses fights, wars & arguments is putting me in a tough spot. Being the creation of God (good) and the daughter of Cris (evil). If it wasn't for Adam and Eve this thing we call life, this place we live in called the world was once perfect. We all come together to create peace and we shall once again have peace.

God is great, yet the one's he created are far from this. I guess you can call us Evil."

1-19-2000

"Today Ka'aka stopped by. I was kind of scared because I thought dad would get angry... HE WAS. My dad accused me of whispering to Ka'aka. I did not though. She whispered to me and I only whispered back 'What?'.

Dad never trusts me... Probably never will. I feel lonely, and afraid. Afraid I will not be close to my dad and lonely because I mourn for a friend.... My Dad, I love him so much, but does he love me??"

1-29-2000

"talk about having a bad day. First of all I woke up at about 9:01am and made breakfast in bed for dad & Kat. then everyone else. Dad got mad and hour or two later because he couldn't find a cigarette. He told Michael and Job to go find a cigarette and not to come back with out one. Then he made Shuston Nalia and I open up every box until we found his Tobacco. Then Shuston asked Kat if dad hit her, but Kat said 'No, You don't have to worry about that'. I guess dad overheard because he got mad and told us to get out of his house. So we walked from 32nd of Maku'u to Railroad of Kaloli. Talk about an exhausting day."

2-5-2000

"Well today went okay until the ending of the afternoon. Me, Michael, Shuston, Nalia and Job got grumpy and got into some loud arguments. Michael and I got in trouble, me more though. Dad hit me twice in the face (gave me a fat bloody lip) Then knocked me in my forehead. He hit Shuston once in the face and hit Michael three times and twisted his arm. I thought it was about to snap. I should of stayed in foster care, but Michael and Shuston held me back, because I love them so much. God help us, oh God please help us-- send someone, gramma, anyone."

_______________________________________

Wow... Emotional right? It is like re-living those days over again. I even flinch to this day. I do not know what I am looking for. I do not know what this is going to become. I just want someone to hear my story. I want the whole fucking world to hear my story. Most of all I want all the little girls and boys out there to know, that they can make it. They can make it out. If I did, they can. It will take courage, because the fear and guilt will be so overwhelming they will smother you like a plastic bag over your head. Sometimes you be close to giving up. NEVER GIVE UP. Just reach your hand out, and eventually some one will grab you, and pull you to safety. Save yourself, so you can save others. The love that I had for my brother and sister, the dire need to protect and care for them is what got me out, what kept me alive.