Whilst rummaging I found an old diary. It was an old 'Prayer of Jabez Journal'. Every page was scribbled on. I have the worst had writing ever. Between the old soggy pages of my past life were pages that had been torn out of another journal and stuffed in, as if trying to shove the memories back into place. I started to read the old scribble of a 13 year old girl, and I became quite emotional. This of course did not help with the not being able to sleep situation. I just find this all quite odd. One or more of the entries I found were actually from the time the domestic violence took place in my previous blog entry. I will now share a few exerts.
12-25-1999
"As my first entry in this journal I got today for Christmas I am going to tell you how I'm feeling.
I feel as though the world is ending. As the sky is falling. All theses fights, wars & arguments is putting me in a tough spot. Being the creation of God (good) and the daughter of Cris (evil). If it wasn't for Adam and Eve this thing we call life, this place we live in called the world was once perfect. We all come together to create peace and we shall once again have peace.
God is great, yet the one's he created are far from this. I guess you can call us Evil."
1-19-2000
"Today Ka'aka stopped by. I was kind of scared because I thought dad would get angry... HE WAS. My dad accused me of whispering to Ka'aka. I did not though. She whispered to me and I only whispered back 'What?'.
Dad never trusts me... Probably never will. I feel lonely, and afraid. Afraid I will not be close to my dad and lonely because I mourn for a friend.... My Dad, I love him so much, but does he love me??"
1-29-2000
"talk about having a bad day. First of all I woke up at about 9:01am and made breakfast in bed for dad & Kat. then everyone else. Dad got mad and hour or two later because he couldn't find a cigarette. He told Michael and Job to go find a cigarette and not to come back with out one. Then he made Shuston Nalia and I open up every box until we found his Tobacco. Then Shuston asked Kat if dad hit her, but Kat said 'No, You don't have to worry about that'. I guess dad overheard because he got mad and told us to get out of his house. So we walked from 32nd of Maku'u to Railroad of Kaloli. Talk about an exhausting day."
2-5-2000
"Well today went okay until the ending of the afternoon. Me, Michael, Shuston, Nalia and Job got grumpy and got into some loud arguments. Michael and I got in trouble, me more though. Dad hit me twice in the face (gave me a fat bloody lip) Then knocked me in my forehead. He hit Shuston once in the face and hit Michael three times and twisted his arm. I thought it was about to snap. I should of stayed in foster care, but Michael and Shuston held me back, because I love them so much. God help us, oh God please help us-- send someone, gramma, anyone."
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Wow... Emotional right? It is like re-living those days over again. I even flinch to this day. I do not know what I am looking for. I do not know what this is going to become. I just want someone to hear my story. I want the whole fucking world to hear my story. Most of all I want all the little girls and boys out there to know, that they can make it. They can make it out. If I did, they can. It will take courage, because the fear and guilt will be so overwhelming they will smother you like a plastic bag over your head. Sometimes you be close to giving up. NEVER GIVE UP. Just reach your hand out, and eventually some one will grab you, and pull you to safety. Save yourself, so you can save others. The love that I had for my brother and sister, the dire need to protect and care for them is what got me out, what kept me alive.
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