Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised.

This was posted on PostSecrets website 9.30.12 by anonymous. 

Wednesday September 26th 2012 my divorce was finally finalized with Joe.

Moving on....

Work is driving me fucking bat shit. I seriously may be losing my mind. The image I used on this post was an anonymous secret posted at www.postsecret.com on this Sunday's secrets today. I just had to use it because it is true for me.

Working in Mental health is very emotionally exhausting.  When you pair that up with my crazy inconsistent schedule it gets out of control. I need to figure out how to not absorb the energy and emotions that the individuals around me are radiating. I am by no means anyones therapist, but my residents do not seem to understand that. They come to us for a listening ear, for a shoulder to lean on and person to bark at. They have no one else. I am more than happy to be there for them. It is my job, but what happens now? What happens when it becomes too much? When it triggers my depression. When I become emotionally overloaded...

I have been thinking about starting counseling at SCS. Either that or perhaps finding a support group for those who work in healthcare. Burnout is not good and I would like to avoid that at all costs.

I am fucking tired.

Just this morning a resident cussed the heck out of me. I wasn't even here for 10 minutes before that crap started. He came back later and apologized, which is nice, but damn.

All im sayin'.

My sister and her girls are coming over later this afternoon. I cannot wait to see my little monsters. <3 p="p">

Free me.

“Sorrow breaks seasons and reposing hours, Makes the night morning, and the noontide night”

I am feeling restless. My spirit has been ready for change for several seasons now. I have never been able to stay put in one place very long. A gypsy at heart. I honestly believe I have an old soul. I have stayed put for too long. I have yet to find a home I am content in. The last time I was content must have been 2005, when my sister and her daughter moved in with me. While we had our rough times like any family, I can say I was truly content.

People move on, have families, settle down. In my gut I know that will never happen for me (no matter how much I wish it would). I am 27 years old and I have no idea who I am. What I do know is that I belong out in the world traveling. I want to experience cultures. This modern life we live in today is not for me, while yes it is convenient- it is not for me. 

What is stopping me? You say I can only hold myself back? That if I really wanted to make it happen, it would? Money. I have a job here in Seattle. I work full-time in Nursing. I have no savings to pull from, and obviously if I go where my soul needs me to, I will have no job. I don't need luxury either. 

I would love to have a crappy old truck with canopy on the back to carry my camping gear. Just travel all over the states to different national parks. Be one with nature. 

Fear. How do I overcome it? How do I make destiny come true? It doesn't just happen. I can't believe that my destiny is to be some nobody living in some dirty city. 

I feel like I am meant to be a healer. A medicine woman. Shaman. Something greater. Where do I go from here? My native american roots are in Florida, with family who..... I have yet to meet. 

I feel like the only time I am content is when I am surrounded by family. My grammy. That woman is amazing. My sister and nieces. But, their life is not mine. I have always struggled to figure out what my life is. Where am I supposed to be? Where is my place in this over crowded world? Not here. 

I want out. I need out. I want to live off the land. I want to put in an honest days hard work.  I want a community, many communities. How do I get there?

Please, I am desperate for answers. I need guidance. I have healing powers that I want developed. I need to overcome this sorrow. For now I have SecondLife.

Over a year!

Over a year since I blogged here. I've tried out a few different blogs over the last year. None of them seemed to suit me the way I need, so here I am again. I am sorry I left you hanging. I am a flake like that.

Nothing has really changed over the last year. I am still working full time in the Nursing Department at a boarding home. I am still with my partner. I still live in downtown Seattle.

Things are crazy at work. Our facility lost its boarding home license, and do to that we have had to stop intakes, and even had to re-home several residents. There has been a lot of strain there. We are short staffed, and overworked.

Things at home are... well they just are.

Family all seems to be doing well, though my brother is in jail waiting to be sentenced to a term in prison. I cannot express how much this breaks my heart. But it is what it is.

On happy notes! Fall is arriving. I am SO excited! Fall and winter are my favorite times of year. Ice cold crisp air, bright sunny days, leafs covering the ground. Pumpkin picking, pumpkin eating, eggnog, holiday cheer, warm home cooked meals, white elephant, family gatherings, work parties, gift giving, snow, rain, hot coco & blankets time of year! YAY!

<3 p="p">
Well, that is all for now. I need to get back to work :-)