It was last night at an empty warehouse party...

I want you to see the tears running down my cheek.

This blog post is dedicated to all of the users/abusers/and oblivious that take advantage of genuinely kind people.

What gets you off? Does this?

We are a kind loving people. We open our arms to you. We are your friends and your family. Our hearts are easily broken, but we are quick to forgive.

We will, without hesitating, put our hearts back on the line for you, even if it means getting our hearts broken again.

Unaware that even we have a breaking point, our hearts can be broken so many times until it shatters... our souls. This is when we shut down. We become distant. Do you even notice? Or are you so quick to push us aside because we are no longer strong enough to be used by you any longer? We build a wall higher then the heavens around our hearts, never to be touched again. This is where we become sad, bitter, and angry. Do you even notice, or do our feelings matter?

You take advantage of our generosity. Don't even think about "liking" this post. Because even you are a user of a vulnerable heart.

So for everyone like me, I say to everyone like you... Fuck You.

Fuck You to all the Mothers, Fathers, Friends, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Children, Acquaintances, Classmates, Spouses, and everyone in between, who do not notice how much you hurt us.

Push us far enough and it will result in a lost soul. Take it how you want.

I am addicted to food.

I have an eating disorder. It is hard to admit. I used to think that people with eating disorders were only those defined by anorexia or bulimia. Skin and bones. It is not true.

Compulsive over eating, Binge eating, Bulimia and Anorexia are all the same. They are all eating disorders (they just show differently). Eating disorders describe conditions where preoccupation (obsession) with food, eating-related behaviors and weight, crowd out major aspects of life.

People who are not well educated on eating disorders assume that one can fix their problem on their own. Even I am guilty of that. Regardless of underlying causes the effects of eating disorders create vicious cycles that make it impossible to stop on your own.

I have tried so many diets. I have tried exercise. I've tried not eating. In the end nothing ever sticks long term. Here are 5 Myths that I stole off of a treatment website in regards to addiction.

Myth #1: A person can quit if they really want to.
Willpower has little to do with addiction. No amount of willpower alone can make an addict change or overcome their behavior. A critical component of the addiction recovery process is recognizing and understanding the underlying pain of addiction. Addicts must be equipped with the appropriate tools to deal with their addictive behavior and unhealthy patterns for successful long-term recovery.

Myth #2: Addicts are weak people.
Addiction is not a character flaw or a weakness – it is a disease. Addicts are powerless over their addiction – understanding this tenet is one of the first steps to addiction recovery. No one chooses to become an addict. Addiction takes a heavy toll on the addict and those who love them. The path to addiction is complicated. Many addicts understand they are hurting themselves and loved ones, but the forces of addiction are overpowering.

Myth #3: Addicts don’t seek treatment until they hit "rock bottom."
Motivation for treatment differs from person to person. Some people recognize they have a problem on their own and choose to seek treatment. Others have friends or family suggest or insist on treatment. Some people seek professional treatment due to successful interventions. Some have to enter treatment centers due to court orders. Anyone who feels they have an addiction or abuse problem should seek treatment. It is not necessary to hit “rock bottom” before seeking professional help.

Myth #4: Addicts don’t want help.
While many addicts do not want to enter treatment initially, most are thankful once treatment is over and they are in recovery. For an addict, their addiction is their best friend – their coping mechanism for all of life’s challenges. They must be taught to understand the destructiveness of their addictive behavior and find new routes to happiness. Overcoming addiction is difficult work, but recovery is achievable and deeply satisfying.

Myth #5: All treatments for addiction are the same.
No single form of treatment works for everyone. Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” treatment for addiction. Even people who are addicted to the same substance react differently to various forms of treatment. The most successful treatment centers create individualized programs to suit the specific needs and challenges of each client.

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I think I need help. I really do. I have struggled with my disease for too long. I want and need to get it under control soon. I am tired of my life revolving around food, and when I am going to eat next. I am tired of feeling guilty for eating. I am tired of being embarrassed when I eat.

I guess step one is admitting. I am not sure what step 2 will be.

Sleepless Nights

Tonight has marked yet another night of no sleep. I think I figured it out. With being home all the time without Dee, really makes me miss her like 20 times more. She is my everything. The only person I have in my life that is a constant. I find myself staying up all night while she sleeps. Even though I may be watching a movie, or reading a blog, or bitching on FaceBook about how I cannot sleep, I just soak in her presence. I don't want to fall asleep because I want to be aware that she is there with me. I don't know if that will make sense to any of you. Or if it makes me look... creepy. lol. *sigh*

I know its not healthy to not have anyone else to talk to or lean on. Its not at my lack of trying to find a friend. I just don't know where to look. Every time I have made an effort at making friends I end up with my heart on the floor.

I was really excited that someone I used to be friends with accepted my friend request on FaceBook. I met him through an ex of mine. They were roomies and BFF's. Like family. They have had their ups and downs (currently at a down). Now that we have started talking, its kind of hard not to talk about the one person who introduced us. At least right now, because we are in the beginning of getting back in contact, so its a given that said Ex will come up in these conversations. I was so ready to fling my arms wide open and begin this adventure, seeing where our (whatever this is) took us. I was excited, I had images in my head of us hanging out, becoming good friends. Positive ones that support each other and can get back into the groove of life together.

Now I am sad. I am sad because I am beginning to realize how naive my hopes are. It is easy for me to turn to the negative, because it is all I have known. (not with this person, just in general) I am afraid now because of talks of his ex bff, it is naturally making him miss what used to be. What they have always had. I am afraid that if that happens, if they get back in contact, I will be so easily left in the wind again. That would break my heart. So where do I go from here? All I can do is be supportive and honest, and hope the same back. Will this be a friendship?

Don't be a drag, just be a Queen! Haaay!!

Hello world! I have a confession. I totally ditched this blog for Lj.... But I am back. For now anyway. lol.

I think I started posting in Lj because no one on FB has it. Where as this blog I post on FB. Guess I needed a little break.

So my woman and I are still going strong. Still living in Downtown Seattle. I am done with schooling for now, but plan to go back again in the near future to finish.

Life is starting to get back to normal. Slowly but surely.

I am in desperate need of a couch. Preferably a free one. One that does not stink. Small rips okay because I will be using a slip cover. No one on Craigslist has been helpful in the least. No one wants to deliver it. lol I offer gas money and offer to help put it in their car. But still no. *sigh*

I found an awesome red ikea couch for 100 bucks, and they will deliver, alas i has no monies. Couch = Fail

I really do not have much to post at the moment. Dinner is cooking, wife will be home soon, kitties are playing, and shows will be on soon!

So. For now. I bid you ado.

Its been awhile since I posted. My girlfriend and I are still living in downtown. We in a better apartment though. A new company bought our building and allowed us to move to an apartment of our choice. We picked on on the 3rd floor facing the courtyard instead of the road. Its much quieter.

I am going to school in North Seattle. I was accepted into a nursing program. Its going well.

I am feeling really... un-needed lately. A huge incident happened between my brother and I. I have not talked to him since. I hope he is okay, but I cannot bring myself to call him. He really hurt me. My sister doesn't call me much anymore. She has her girls and husband and work. It keeps her busy. I dont get to talk to her as much as I used to, and I miss it alot. Lately she has been saying stuff like "I am focusing on my family". Im like wth. I am ur family too, and u can't take 2min out of ur week to call me? I mean come on, I never screen her calls. Well HA! Thats because she never calls me. I only call her. She RARELY calls me. It makes me feel like crap.

I just feel like everything I used to live for, or everyone for that matter... has moved on. My sister has her family. My brother is back to his old life. My dad is doing his own thing, we were never close anyway. My Gramma is living her life. I rarely talk to any of them. I feel like I could be gone and no one would miss me. No one misses me now. Its devastating to me, because they are my life. I haven't talked to anyone in weeks. I finally called my sister today.

My girlfriends mom doesn't want me with my girlfriend. She thinks I am holding her back from doing something great with her life. I am not stopping anything. My girlfriend is extremely close with her mother. They are closer together than my girlfriend and I. Closer than I am with any of my family.

It all just makes me feel so unimportant. So unwanted and un-needed. I just want to die.

One way Street

We live off of a one way street in downtown Seattle. Once in awhile I see someone driving down it full speed the wrong direction. It reminds me a lot about my life.

I seem to always head down the one way streets in the wrong direction. This makes me picture the fork in the road. You know the one I am talking about. The road to the right is the one everyone travels down, and the one on the left is the one less traveled. I used to pride myself on taking the one less traveled, just to prove that I could do it, and come out at the end just fine. Well.... I have been on that road for the last several years, and I still have not come out on the other side. I am lost somewhere in the that awful forest with trees of sorrow, branches of destruction, quick sand, and thorns of lies. How the hell did I get here?

I seem to have lost any and all friends along the way. Mostly because I pushed them away? Maybe... I really am not sure. I now find myself lost, lonely, depressed, and not knowing where to go from here.

I fell asleep about an hour ago. I woke up out of no where, and I cannot seem to fall back asleep. So I am writing this blog.

The trees lining the streets of Seattle tell their stories at night, when they think everyone is asleep and no one is listening. I am listening. They are quite eerie. They creak, crack, spat, and drip. They whisper too. You only hear this at night, like right now. If you werent used to this, you'd think someone was outside creeping around. I am not sure how I feel about these talking trees.

I got a new Kitten. I got the kitten for my 6 year old cat Little Man. Little Man has been sulking about the house. Sad I imagine because he cannot go outside. I have fixed him a little perch against the window so that he can hop on it and lounge. He gets up there and does his hunting chatter whenever he sees a batch of Seagulls or Pidgins. Little Man gets a lot of attention from people passing by. He loves any attention he can get.

My hopes were that the kitten would keep him on his toes and get him playing and running again. I was right! :-) I thought it would take quite some time for the grouchy old man to get used to the kitten, but it only took one day! They play, clean each other, and sleep together. The kitten is only about 7 weeks old. She is very tiny compared to him. She is so well behaved. I think we are going to name her Mookie. Moo for short.

Speaking of the cats, I think I am going to get back to bed with them and Deliliah. Take care!

(Picture: Little Man & Mookie)

Wedding Fail

So today I started to gather ideas for my wedding. My girlfriend (now fiance) proposed to me on our way home from a weekend trip at Seaside Oregon(a few weeks ago). I of course said yes.

I find it hard to be excited. Its complicated. I feel like I was so let down in my last relationship. I was proposed to, planned the wedding, everything, and then got my heart broken.

My family was never supportive of my gay relationship with my ex, so it was hard getting them to be involved with any planning or whatever. Luckily I had my ex's family's support.

I feel like any announcement of my engagement now would be calling wolf. I feel like my family does not take me serious in anything I do. All I want... need, is my family's support and happiness for me.

I don't have a father to walk me down the isle. I don't have a mother to help me plan. I don't have a grandmother to give me the advice I need. I don't have a sister to sniggle with excitement with.

I of course have always wanted the wedding of my dreams, nothing huge and extravagant, I want something simple and elegant. It never bothered me not having parental figures to be there for me. But I expected the family that I do have (sister-grandma) to take me seriously and be excited for me.

With Deliliah and I not being a traditional wedding to begin with, I feel like I have to compromise my traditional wedding values and beliefs as far as the ceremony. Deliliah does not want to have a ceremony, or me in the Cinderella dress.

While I was gathering ideas for my wedding today, I broke down. I broke down because I didnt want to do this alone. I was frusterated I had no one to turn to be excited with. Deliliah is not showing much emotion towards the wedding either. I broke down because I felt like there was no hope of me getting even a little bit of the Wedding ceremony Ive always dreamed of having. I cried because I feel like no one is interested.

One of the most important times in my life and I am feeling utterly alone.

What is the point?