Wedding Fail

So today I started to gather ideas for my wedding. My girlfriend (now fiance) proposed to me on our way home from a weekend trip at Seaside Oregon(a few weeks ago). I of course said yes.

I find it hard to be excited. Its complicated. I feel like I was so let down in my last relationship. I was proposed to, planned the wedding, everything, and then got my heart broken.

My family was never supportive of my gay relationship with my ex, so it was hard getting them to be involved with any planning or whatever. Luckily I had my ex's family's support.

I feel like any announcement of my engagement now would be calling wolf. I feel like my family does not take me serious in anything I do. All I want... need, is my family's support and happiness for me.

I don't have a father to walk me down the isle. I don't have a mother to help me plan. I don't have a grandmother to give me the advice I need. I don't have a sister to sniggle with excitement with.

I of course have always wanted the wedding of my dreams, nothing huge and extravagant, I want something simple and elegant. It never bothered me not having parental figures to be there for me. But I expected the family that I do have (sister-grandma) to take me seriously and be excited for me.

With Deliliah and I not being a traditional wedding to begin with, I feel like I have to compromise my traditional wedding values and beliefs as far as the ceremony. Deliliah does not want to have a ceremony, or me in the Cinderella dress.

While I was gathering ideas for my wedding today, I broke down. I broke down because I didnt want to do this alone. I was frusterated I had no one to turn to be excited with. Deliliah is not showing much emotion towards the wedding either. I broke down because I felt like there was no hope of me getting even a little bit of the Wedding ceremony Ive always dreamed of having. I cried because I feel like no one is interested.

One of the most important times in my life and I am feeling utterly alone.

What is the point?

Hair Tonic

So I have recently been having an issue with my scalp being super dry and itchy, my hair has also been impossible to comb even after conditioning. I haven't dyed my hair in over a year.

I researched online to see what would be the best solution for my hair/scalp situation. Tea tree oil kept coming up as a good soother. So I went to Sallys near the Westlake Center. Though online they had some things that may have been an option online, the store had nothing in it.

My wonderful girlfriend had printed out some local salons we could drop in at to inquire about products. We ended up going to Sublime across the street from our apartment in Belltown. The stylist at the desk with a sharp bob cut dyed in bright red, foundation slabbed on like frosting on a cupcake mention a Shampoo and Condition by a company called Bumble and bumble.

The pictures to your upper right are what she suggested and I purchased. It is a soothing Tea Tree oil & Peppermint shampoo with a leave in conditioning spray. Costing my a whopping $42 bucks all together. But I have to say it was the best $42 bucks I have recently spent!

When applying either the shampoo or conditioner my scalp was overwhelmed by this refreshing tingling feeling. Like dipping my head in a bottle of scope. lol. It was so nice.

It has been three days now and my scalp and hair feel amazing. My hair is brushable, my scalp is soothed, scab free, and I am happy.

I definitely recommend this product!

Sleepless in Belltown

I have had no luck being able to sleep the past month. I feel like a drone. A zombie of sorts.

The city at night is earie. I am always intruiged by the city sounds. Big un-marked semi-trucks pulling over and unloading or loading (sometimes both) at 2am. People constantly walking by our window. Then for a long time, no one.

I hear a lot of chatter between people. Things I am sure they do not mean for others to over hear. I sometimes think they are un aware that the window open next to them is indeed an apartment. Others are quite aware of our presence. They stop and say hello sometimes. Mostly to Little Man. Little Man (my cat) has made an array of new friends (most of whom I do not approve of). I have in result had many conversations with him letting him know that talking to strangers is not okay. He just turns his head and prances away as if to say "I'll do what I want".

It is 4am and the city is beginning to wake up. Apartment lights start to flicker on, and shadows stumble about eager to get that first cup of coffee. The road is starting to have more traffic. Cars going from here to there, and there to here. I like to sit and wonder, wonder whether they are coming or going, and from what? Maybe a late night rendevous? Perhaps. I like to wonder.

The rain in Seattle. Magnificent! It has been raining the past few days and I love it! It makes me smile. I love the rain. I especially love when I can smell the rain coming. The fresh muggy scent of the city getting a shower. I look forward to more days like this.

I am thinking of re-arranging my living room. I would like to have my computer set up in front of our windows so that I can look outside at the city as I type. So that I can paint you a description of what I see with my words the best that I can.

I like falling asleep to the sound of the city and everyone in it waking up. I like falling asleep with the sunrise peaking through the tall glassy corporate buildings.

For now I bid you goodmorning.

The years from you to me

Your hair waves once more when I weep. With the blue of your eyes

you lay the table of love: a bed between summer and autumn.

We drink what somebody brewed neither I nor you nor a third; we lap up some empty and last thing.

We watch ourselves in the deep sea's mirrors and faster pass food to the other:

the night is the night, it begins with the morning, beside you it lays me down.

The Julie/Julia Project

I recently watched the movie 'Julie & Julia'. A true story of a woman on the verge of turning 30 who despises her dead end secretary job, who finds comfort of coming home and knowing that if you add an egg to chocolate, and whisk, will thicken. Julie cooked. Julie blogged. Julie garnered a legion of devotees of her wit and charm. Not only can Julie cook, Julie can write. Really well. She is very entertaining. She took on a project, a challenge of taking on Julia Child's cook book, "Mastering the Art of French Cooking". She would cook 536 recipes in 365 days. She blogged it all.

It really quite inspired me. I love to cook. I am a cook. Looking for new fun recipes, to challenge me, to intrigue me. Will I be as brave as Julie Powell to take on Julia Child's cook book? I think not. What shall I do? It seems only fitting to turn to you, if you are out there. Are you?

Holy Mother Load of Frustration!

This blog has been postponed for way too long. I have been wanting to blog, and have even had what I wanted to say all planned out in my head, but for what ever reason I just could not bring myself to sit down and write.

I do not even know where to begin with the events that have been going on.

My sister has been going through a lot. I feel like our relationship is diminishing. I of course as always stand by her side and support her. I only hear from her when I call her, or if she needs to vent.

Me again trying to help my brother and get him out of trouble, has now drug me into the situation, and I am now paying the price for his mistake. I do not understand why he feels the need to lie and con.

I got my old job back, but I am only working part-time.

Now here is what I am currently boggled over. I just have no Idea what the fuck to do.

My ex Joe (Joe is a FTM-born female but transitioned to male) and I split up about 2 years ago. Our relationship was coming to an end a bit before I moved out. I moved out when I found out that he was sleeping with his best friend. SMH.

Now Joe is engaged to his best friend (who is female and we will call 'A'). Because Joe has now legally transitioned from FTM he can legally marry his fiance 'A' because he is now considered a straight male (he really identifies as queer), and his fiance is a straight female (well she identifies as gay). They queer world is so complicated, but in the end everyone on the outside will see them as a straight Male/Female couple.

Joe and I still have not dissolved our domestic partnership. Our domestic partnership is under his birth name and sex (female). So now that he has transitioned into a whole new gender, does that void our domestic partnership since "she" no longer exists? Does this make sense to anyone?

Joe can get married to A because Joe is now legally a man, and A is a female. But where does that leave me legally? Do I still need to dissolve this pre-existing partnership with Joe, before I can have one with my current partner? Or is it now void since the person I was legally partnered to legally really no longer exists?

Shit like this would not be so damn complicated if gay's could have the same right to marry as straights. Fuck you.

I have called all over the place and they all give me the bs run around. I don't need a lawyer, there are no assets to divide or anything like that. We are both willingly wanting to dissolve our partnership. What I am concerned about is Joe being able to get married regardless to the domestic partnership we currently have. If he is able to do that he is not going to want to go out of his way to help me dissolve something that does not directly affect him. When my partner and I decide to get our domestic partnership-I am still going to be bound to this person who no longer exists. Because the partnership does not affect Joe in anyway any longer, I am worried that I am going to be stuck in this bullshit predicament.

Independence Day 2010

Happy post 4th of July Seattle!! It's amazing how far we have come in just a year! Last year the host of Lake Union's Family Fourth, One Reel, announced that they would no longer be holding the annual Family Fourth at Gas Works park due to lack of funding. Seattle really pulled together not only a community, but a family and raised the funds necessary to be able to continue this magnificent gathering.

This year was amazing! My girlfriend and I scrambled all over Seattle trying to find the right spot to settle down and watch the fireworks. This is our first year in Seattle for the 4th of July, we had absolutely no clue where to plant our selves. We finally got to a corner on a sidewalk where we could view the Fireworks going off at Lake Union just perfectly. We were surrounded by other Seattlites huddled together in the wind waiting to view the long awaited show. It lasted about 20 minutes and had many amazing, colorful, loud fireworks shaped as smiley faces, boxes, and more.

This year the Family Fourth got the 'Presidents of the United States of America' to perform live at the event. They were amazing! They played a smash of all their greatest hits. They actually had a small mosh pit going on up front. I did not envy the individuals in the front getting smooshed up against the fence that bordered around the stage.

Over all this year was spectacular. It seemed more special this year than any year, because this year Independence Day was not just hosted by one company, but all of Seattle, business owners and individuals alike. So I say Thank you Seattle. Thank you for an amazing year! I sure hope to see you next year!

What was your Independence Day 2010 like this year? Please leave a comment and let me know!