Guilt & Regret

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. – Henry David Thoreau

I used to think that guilt and regret went hand in hand... The emotions of guilt and regret are often so inextricably linked that it's hard to tell the difference between the two. Subtle as it is, there is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling regretful. In order to fix mistakes or move forward emotionally, we need to be able to differentiate between the two.

Recently I had a different perspective on guilt being presented to me. Lama Samten from the Buddhist Monastery Karma Choeling, north of Auckland, said that he has had difficulties understanding the exact meaning of feeling guilty. Someone who grew up in Tibet knows regret, but does not feel guilty. Lama Samten suggested that feeling guilty might be based on the assumption that at the time we would have had the power or capacity to do things differently. When we feel guilty, we overestimate ourselves.

Examine the motive of the event, experience or decision that is causing you to feel this way. Motive is important when trying to differentiate between regret and guilt. If what you have done was done in order to cause another person pain or harm, then the feeling you are experiencing is guilt not regret.

Listen to your words or thoughts for the words "I wish." These words often indicate you are feeling regretful that something turned out as it did or didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Regretfulness occurs when you've inadvertently acted or made a decision that caused harm or pain and you wish you could change it.

Regret gives us the option to make up if we hurt another person, it allows for a softening that is necessary in asking for forgiveness. When we make ourselves feel guilty, on the other hand, we intensify our suffering and often harden.

After differentiating the two... I feel regret. I am guilty of many things, but never have I felt regret. To me regret is almost worse than guilt. Regret is knowing that I did something wrong, even though at the time I had no control over what had occured, I wish with all my being that I could have gone back. I could have done something different.

I regret that I left my brother and sister alone with that devil of a man we call father. dad. uku. The parent. I was only about 13, 1999. There was so much going on. I regret being put into foster care and leaving them alone in his care. I don't remember if I ever asked them if they were okay. I don't remember if I ever told them how much I loved them, and how sorry I was. I only remember the looks in their eyes, begging me to come home. A year later I did.

2010, 11 years later and I still feel such regret. Such sadness. Such pain. The only thing I can do is ask for their forgiveness.

Will they forgive me?

A Tribute to Kylie Elizabeth

A beautiful girl was taken to heaven four years ago today. She never took a breath here with us, but I know she blows kisses to us from heaven. Every year I post the poem that I wrote for her and read for her at her funeral. I find peace knowing that Kylie is watching over her two sisters. I find peace knowing that my sisters daughter is the guardian Angel watching over them.

Happy Birthday Kylie! Auntie Loves you!
(picture taken this year by my sister)

Kylie lived her life with in my sisters womb.
Years like minutes cannot last for too long, locked within that juicy tomb.
Let those who mourn remember she died,
In sweet communion with her soul inside.
Eearly in the pregnancy we felt you kick and move,

Eager to greet you, never thought so soon.
Life is a burst of joy and pain, and then like yours its done,

In our thoughts you'll always be the sparkle in the sun.

Zero breaths did you take when you entered earth,

Although you looked so angelic in your still birth.

But now we have to let you go, your spirit can be free,

Everyone will hold you near their hearts, where you will always be.

Tiny little baby, at home where you belong,

Here we gather to rejoice in tears, as we listen to the flutter of your fragile wings song.

I am a Pisces.

I don't know who I am. In an effort to find who I am I looked up my sign. I have always been fascinated by astrology.

This is extremely interesting, and hard to believe how true this is. It explains me to the 'T'. Here is an example of a problem that I as a Pisces could come across, and the solution:

Problem: A strong sense of despair not shared by family and friends, thus leaving you with that all alone feeling.

Solution: You must come out of yourself and open up to those around you, you have the power to inspire others making you an important part of the human race; take your rightful place.

Is that not what I am doing right now? I think it is. That is the reason for this blog.

The animal associated with my sign is the fish,(actually two fish swimming in different directions). The two fishes swimming in opposite directions points up the inner tensions of the sign of Pisces. I am currently at war with myself and I am so indecisive it drives me crazy.

I have a tendency to adapt emotionally to my environment. I am shy, and I am adept at imitating the mannerisms of those around me, in order to hide my own personality. (maybe for fear of not being accepted?) This is frustrating because when I sit down and think about who I am, I have no freaking Idea.

"A Piscean can too easily become a victim by identifying with the personality and problems of other people, because this severely restrict the development of their own personality and talent."-- astrology.com

Thinking about this blog too hard has brought me to the idea that maybe this is all silly. Trying to find out my past, hopefully leading up to me meeting my biological mother. I have so many questions, but is it meaningful? What am I looking for? Am I looking for a relationship with my mother? If so, is it worth it? I mean if she wanted a relationship she would be making some effort to getting to know me, don't you think? Will this help bring me closure? Or is this something that I should just let go of. *sigh* I have no idea. I am just going with the flow, and its like a tsunami of emotions coursing through my heart, my body, my mind, and my veins.

I know I am nothing like my brother or sister, or father for that matter. I am nothing like my paternal grandmother. Who am I? I don't know. Speaking with my grandmother in Florida, I am starting to learn of my family on my maternal side. I have an Aunt, 3 cousins, 2 half sisters, and of course my mother. What I hear about my Aunt and all the children, is that they are all very free-spirited. They have grown into themselves as children should. Never being coached on who and what they should become. I admire the stories I hear of my younger sister Sophie. She is like me, but the inner me. The 'me' that has not surfaced. Sophie runs around in hippie skirts barefooted. She is a writer, and a magnificent one at that.

She is the kind of girl who likes to see the world turn while she spins the other way. In her next life she'd be that glare of sunshine flickering in between strands of hair, or a tambourine. She is a free spirit. Always bare foot and always smiling. She tries her best to send good vibes out to everyone she meets and to love as many people as she can. This is how she describes herself. Beautiful isn't it?

I admire how she knows who she is and I am 25 and have no clue who I am. I wonder if that has anything to do with how I was raised. I know it does.

Some things I do know about myself..... I have a lot of sympathy. I would love to work in charities, cater for the needy, or be a nurse looking after the sick. I am a currently a Support Advocate for children and Adults with Developmental Disabilities. I am excited to become and Advocate for Woman and Children against Domestic Violence. If only I knew where to begin. How do I get myself involved? I would also love to work or volunteer in the GLBQT+ community.

Here is something else I found quite interesting about myself according to the astrology website:

"Pisceans are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful."

I think the whole asexual thing is hilarious because it seems to be so true in my case. I would much rather masturbate alone than to have sex with my partner. Isn't that horrible? lol. wow. Well, what can I say? :-) I love to watch :-P

I guess little things like this website, help bring truth to who I am. It helps me to recognize, understand and accept who I may be.

All I can do is take this one day at a time. Hopefully you will be here to accompany me on this expedition.

Being Honest with Myself.

As I chatted it up with my friend about a little about what my blog is and what I am hoping to get out of it I came to the conclusion that I am afraid.

I am afraid of what YOU the reader is going to think of my life, if I am being too honest, too blunt, too open. I am afraid of what my family is going to think about me writing about our life, as it does not just involve me. I am worried and scared about what truths are going to unravel. That maybe that perfect grandma that I always looked up to is the very one who holds all the devistating secrets.

I just do not know how this is going to turn out. So I turn to you, my readers. I need your support. Let me know you are here, share your story, comment on mine.

This is going to be a very long and exciting journey. Hold on tight!

Hell is for Children, Part Dos

Last night I started rummaging. I could not sleep. I have not been able to sleep the past few days. I am not sure why. I just lay awake, thinking. *sigh*

Whilst rummaging I found an old diary. It was an old 'Prayer of Jabez Journal'. Every page was scribbled on. I have the worst had writing ever. Between the old soggy pages of my past life were pages that had been torn out of another journal and stuffed in, as if trying to shove the memories back into place. I started to read the old scribble of a 13 year old girl, and I became quite emotional. This of course did not help with the not being able to sleep situation. I just find this all quite odd. One or more of the entries I found were actually from the time the domestic violence took place in my previous blog entry. I will now share a few exerts.

12-25-1999

"As my first entry in this journal I got today for Christmas I am going to tell you how I'm feeling.

I feel as though the world is ending. As the sky is falling. All theses fights, wars & arguments is putting me in a tough spot. Being the creation of God (good) and the daughter of Cris (evil). If it wasn't for Adam and Eve this thing we call life, this place we live in called the world was once perfect. We all come together to create peace and we shall once again have peace.

God is great, yet the one's he created are far from this. I guess you can call us Evil."

1-19-2000

"Today Ka'aka stopped by. I was kind of scared because I thought dad would get angry... HE WAS. My dad accused me of whispering to Ka'aka. I did not though. She whispered to me and I only whispered back 'What?'.

Dad never trusts me... Probably never will. I feel lonely, and afraid. Afraid I will not be close to my dad and lonely because I mourn for a friend.... My Dad, I love him so much, but does he love me??"

1-29-2000

"talk about having a bad day. First of all I woke up at about 9:01am and made breakfast in bed for dad & Kat. then everyone else. Dad got mad and hour or two later because he couldn't find a cigarette. He told Michael and Job to go find a cigarette and not to come back with out one. Then he made Shuston Nalia and I open up every box until we found his Tobacco. Then Shuston asked Kat if dad hit her, but Kat said 'No, You don't have to worry about that'. I guess dad overheard because he got mad and told us to get out of his house. So we walked from 32nd of Maku'u to Railroad of Kaloli. Talk about an exhausting day."

2-5-2000

"Well today went okay until the ending of the afternoon. Me, Michael, Shuston, Nalia and Job got grumpy and got into some loud arguments. Michael and I got in trouble, me more though. Dad hit me twice in the face (gave me a fat bloody lip) Then knocked me in my forehead. He hit Shuston once in the face and hit Michael three times and twisted his arm. I thought it was about to snap. I should of stayed in foster care, but Michael and Shuston held me back, because I love them so much. God help us, oh God please help us-- send someone, gramma, anyone."

_______________________________________

Wow... Emotional right? It is like re-living those days over again. I even flinch to this day. I do not know what I am looking for. I do not know what this is going to become. I just want someone to hear my story. I want the whole fucking world to hear my story. Most of all I want all the little girls and boys out there to know, that they can make it. They can make it out. If I did, they can. It will take courage, because the fear and guilt will be so overwhelming they will smother you like a plastic bag over your head. Sometimes you be close to giving up. NEVER GIVE UP. Just reach your hand out, and eventually some one will grab you, and pull you to safety. Save yourself, so you can save others. The love that I had for my brother and sister, the dire need to protect and care for them is what got me out, what kept me alive.

Hell is for Children

This blog is taking a turn for the unexpected. It was supposed to be something to keep me motivated with my weight loss. It hasn't been going the way I thought it would. I will continue to blog about my weight and everything along with it, but for now I feel like this just needs to be a place for me to come and put my feelings down. I have so much going on right now emotionally its.....exhausting.

We have all the stuff going on with finding a new apartment. We applied for the one in downtown Seattle yesterday. We will find out in 7-10 business days if we were approved or not, so send your positive vibes and good thoughts our way please! I will lose my mind if we get approved. It is a perfect apartment for my fiancee, cat and I.

Being unemployed is also frustrating. Deliliah (my fiancee) is constantly telling me not to worry about it, and reassuring me. I just want to be secure, I do not want to rely on unemployment, it wouldn't last long anyway. This also feeds into the whole apartment thing. I need to know what area to be looking for work based on where we will be living. *sigh* Seattle will be a perfect central area for us to move. It is smack dab in between our family's. My family is in Everett, and Deliliah's is in Kent.

I have been struggling a lot with my feelings over family I haven't seen since I was very young. Growing up my sister, brother and I were always told that our biological mother abandoned us because she didn't love us, and she was an addict. None of us fixated on not having a mother, we just sucked it up. I ended up taking that role as the oldest. I don't have any full memories before 2nd or 3grade. I will have random memories of split second things. I don't know if they are something that happened or something that my mind has made up. I'm not crazy.

So here I go.

I have always feared my father. I know my brother and sister have as well. We love our dad of course, but it doesn't come without fear.

I always remember being afraid to come home from school in elementary school with a warning for miss-behaving. No matter how insignificant the warning was for, I would get beat hard. This happened with everything. I remember walking out of the grocery store carrying a box of a dozen donuts. I was not paying attention and I was goofing around. I dropped the box of donuts. My step mom saw the fear in my eyes as I fell to the ground and started throwing the donuts in the box as if my life depended on it, before my dad noticed. Well he noticed. He threw me in the back of the car and smacked me, then he got in the front seat, turned around and hit me again. The whole ride home he kept his hand reached around back pinching me. My brother and sister sat next to me in silence, fearful they may be next.

My step mother got beat a lot. Her and my father would go out, and she would come back all back and blue. My dad beat her in front of us all the time. When we were living in woodinville he knocked out her teeth, and she had to get false teeth. We got beat with belts, hands, or whatever was around.

When we moved to Hawaii after the fourth grade things got worse. Dad drank all the time. One time he chased our step mom around the yard with a wrench, while we were in the car with some friends waiting to take them home. How embarrassing! Another time we were in the car, and he was beating her while driving. It got so bad that she tried to jump out of the car while it was moving. He got her by her hair and pulled her in. When we got home it continued.

My brother got quite a bit of beatings, almost worse then my sister and I. He got beat with a 2 x 4, he got thrown into the side of the house because he accidentally let go on his side of the pool while we were trying to put it together.

I remember on my birthday I sat in the garage crying because my dad was beating my step-mom. The next year on my birthday I had friends over and my brother and I bickered, my dad took us both upstairs and beat us with the belt.

I want to clarify, when I say "he beat us", I mean he really went at it. He beat us until we couldn't cry anymore. I have scars on the inside of my lip from him punching me in my face.

My step mom eventually left to a shelter for battered woman and children, she took me, my brother and sister along as well. It didn't last for long, she ended up flying back to the mainland and we were given back to my dad.

Things got bad again. I remember trying to find comfort where ever I could. I was 13 or 14 now. I would always be over at my best friends house. His dad was always a little too friendly. I didn't know it was wrong. Or maybe I did, and I didn't care. So much was going on. I decided to try and kill myself. I told a friend, and they told the counselor. They told the counselor everything. I was soon removed from my dads house and placed into foster care. Where I bounced from house to house. I started skipping school and getting in fights with my foster sisters.

I still feel guilty to this day for leaving my sister and brother alone with my dad. I decided to go back to my dads. I missed a good 2 months of school because I had to stay home and take care of my sister. She was really sick.

I remember she had uku's at the time, and we had a bunk bed. She wanted to come sleep on my bed and I said no, because I didn't want to catch the uku's. She started whining, I was so afraid that she would wake up my dad, I had her come sleep in my bed. I knew that if she woke up my dad he would be very upset. I remember tip toeing to the bathroom to get a drink of water one night, and I was VERY quiet, he came out of his room and caught me. He smacked the cup of water out of my hand and then smacked me.

In the 8th grade we were now living in a different house on Maku'u drive in Hawaii. We now also had a new step mom, and a step brother, and step sister. They were the same age as my brother and sister. My dad started treating them as his family, and left my brother, sister and I to fend for ourselves. We had no food in the house. I would walk around for hours gathering fruit like banana's and lychee off of neighbors tree's, just so we would have something to eat.

One night my dad locked us out of the house and told us not to come back until we found him some tobacco. We walked over 32 blocks, and eventually ended up at Auntie Dot's house, and acquaintance. Our uncle Jon came and got us, and told us not to worry. He knew how dad was, and he never would let dad hurt us. The next day he and his wife came over with their kids & some groceries and made us dinner.

In January of 2000 I got on an airplane with all of the kids and flew without the parents to mainland, with a lay over in Honolulu. When we landed in Seattle, my grandma, and aunt were waiting for us. We were all tired and relieved. The parents did not end up flying to Seattle until March.

This started a whole new chapter in our lives. Eventually everyone ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom because they got kicked out of my aunts house. I was the only one who stuck it out, that is until my senior year when I got kicked out. My dad was still abusive. He was now beating my step mom. He also beat my sister. He never dared lay a hand on the step kids. In 2005 my sister moved in with me in my own apartment. My dad signed custody of her over to me. I now was responsible for my sister and her 5 month old daughter.

My brother traveled down a very dark scary road alone for several years. He is doing much better now. I am proud of him. My sister also is doing well, she has a beautiful family.

In 2009 I got a call from my brother saying that dad had beaten my step mom very bad. Shortly after I got a call from my sister stating the same thing. I took a long drive from Issaquah to Everett to see my step mom. She was broken. I called the police, I do not regret this action. My step mom was covered from head to toe in bruises. She had cigarette burns on her chest, back, and legs. She had broken ribs and a black eye. A fat lip. Enough was enough. I finally decided to do something about it. It was time for my father to pay for everything that he is done. I called the police and they documented everything. My dad was set on a 25k bond. He got out.

My father denies ever beating us, said we only got what we deserved. UGH!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, so this blog entry really went off somewhere I didn't think it was. Thinking about my family in Florida just brings up so much crap for me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't bitter about us being left with such an ass. Even more now knowing how close of a family they are over there. I even have 2 half sisters I have not met. I think what really gets me going is that all these years no one came to save us.

AND only now, that I am pursuing an interest in them is a relationship even being formed. My grandmother in Florida is the only one that contacts me. My mother doesn't call me. Yet when I email her she seems more than willing to talk. I am so confused. I am hurt. I am broken.

My grandfather Swander passed away this year, and along with him going a lot of stuff came up. My grandmother Swander said that we were never abandoned that we were taken.

I made a promise to my sister that I would find out everything I could. Find out what really happened when we were separated from our mother, and that is exactly what I am going to do this year.

2010 is the year for truth, justice, and hopefully a reunion.

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away

'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully

And it chills to the bone

Will anyone get close to me?

I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul

An ending to this fear

Forgiveness for a man who was stronger

I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tearsThey hide in the light, so you can't see their fearsForgive and forget, all the whileLove and pain become one and the sameIn the eyes of a wounded child
Because HellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you know that their little lives can become such a messHellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
It's all so confusing, this brutal abusingThey blacken your eyes, and then apologizeYou're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thingBe a good little boy, and you'll get a new toyTell grandma you fell off the swing
Because HellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you know that their little lives can become such a messHellHell Is For ChildrenAnd you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
No, Hell Is For Children

A taste of Cherry on Saturday afternoon.

Today I was supposed to go into work. This would of been my last day, due to my layoff. Falling asleep last night did not come easy, my mind flooding with 'should I's and shouldn't I's'. I've never been good with goodbyes it is easier for me to just walk away.

I think I found my dream apartment today. It is in the heart of downtown Seattle, and where all the queers frequent. Yes, Capitol Hill. It is on the 9th floor of a very old brick building, who's history is unknown. lt has an amazing city view that at night I just know will be breathtaking. The old building has two elevators, two laundry rooms, and purple doors : -), oh yes, lets not forget to mention the buzz in entry, and the location so convenient that we can walk or bus to anywhere.

Its small, quaint, affordable, includes all utilities including electricity. It has a huge walk in closet with a built in vintage style dresser with glass knobs. It has a decent amnt of storage. The bathroom is average size. The kitchen is beautiful and open to the living room.

My fiancée and I will be looking at more apartments tomorrow, but I think we have both already made our decision.