Sleepless Nights

Tonight has marked yet another night of no sleep. I think I figured it out. With being home all the time without Dee, really makes me miss her like 20 times more. She is my everything. The only person I have in my life that is a constant. I find myself staying up all night while she sleeps. Even though I may be watching a movie, or reading a blog, or bitching on FaceBook about how I cannot sleep, I just soak in her presence. I don't want to fall asleep because I want to be aware that she is there with me. I don't know if that will make sense to any of you. Or if it makes me look... creepy. lol. *sigh*

I know its not healthy to not have anyone else to talk to or lean on. Its not at my lack of trying to find a friend. I just don't know where to look. Every time I have made an effort at making friends I end up with my heart on the floor.

I was really excited that someone I used to be friends with accepted my friend request on FaceBook. I met him through an ex of mine. They were roomies and BFF's. Like family. They have had their ups and downs (currently at a down). Now that we have started talking, its kind of hard not to talk about the one person who introduced us. At least right now, because we are in the beginning of getting back in contact, so its a given that said Ex will come up in these conversations. I was so ready to fling my arms wide open and begin this adventure, seeing where our (whatever this is) took us. I was excited, I had images in my head of us hanging out, becoming good friends. Positive ones that support each other and can get back into the groove of life together.

Now I am sad. I am sad because I am beginning to realize how naive my hopes are. It is easy for me to turn to the negative, because it is all I have known. (not with this person, just in general) I am afraid now because of talks of his ex bff, it is naturally making him miss what used to be. What they have always had. I am afraid that if that happens, if they get back in contact, I will be so easily left in the wind again. That would break my heart. So where do I go from here? All I can do is be supportive and honest, and hope the same back. Will this be a friendship?

Walking Blind

I have never thought about where things are going in my life, as much as I do now. Looking back on how I used to live my life is like looking at old archived news papers in the library news paper reading room, that just shoot the grey papers by so fast. I was so caught up in life. I was never in any sort of stable environment. Moving constantly, relationships constantly changing. I used to be so bold. lol I say this because I would always meet up with anyone I met online, as unsafe as that may have been. I was all about making friends, experiencing new things and having a good time.

I like to think I am the same person now, though life has slowed down so much. I am in my second serious committed relationship. The first one tore my heart to shreds. I really gave into that pain and heartache. I lost everything I was. Several years have passed and I still feel like I am trying to get on stable ground. Trying to find myself again. I have a lot to work on.

I've been so hurt by people who are closest to me, friends and family. I forgive. Always. I get hurt again. I forgive again. It is a cycle. When I watch shows like 'Sex in the City', 'Desperate Housewife's' as naive as it may be (i know they are tv shows) it really makes me sad. I want more than anything to have a group of friend I can turn to no matter what. A group of individuals I can really count on to be there. People I can have a good time with, and get together with on a weekly basis. To play board games, cards, watch Lword series, or whatever. I sort of feel like I am stopping myself. I don't know why, or how. I don't even know how to go about making friends. That is pretty devastating.

We move next week. I am exciting because this feels like the last move, for a long time. I will be in a central area close to family, and lots of activities (so I stop being a home body). I will be broadcasting from SEATTLE baby! I can take a short bus ride to Westlake Center or even Pike Place Market!

I have no idea what comes next. I am walking blind into love, into life and into what comes next. My eyes are blind folded, and my heart is ready for anything to take place.