The Shadow in the background of the Morgue

ARGH.

What is going on with me. Usually I can handle a lot of bs. I just cannot do it anymore. I cant do the work politics, I cant do the work gossip. I find myself shutting people out and pushing them away because I do not have it in me to.......care. Which is pretty ironic if you ask me... Its my job to care after all. It is in my nature.

I am starting to think that maybe 'they' were right when they said that our zodiacs are shifting or have been different all along. If we go by that I would be an Aquarius and not a Pisces. I know in my core I am a Pisces, but what is it that I am battling?! I feel like there is such a negative part of me trying to get out. Someone manipulative, thoughtless, angry, selfish and rageful.

I don't like it... It scares me. I mean this thing inside of me is completely capable of anything, and I mean anything. I have been incredibly insensitive lately, to myself and others. For that I want to apologize to all of you. If you crossed my path and I have been anti-social, angry, defensive, whatever. Idk wtf it is.

So where do we go from here? I am really not sure. I don't want to change. I don't want to be this person, full of negativity, anger and so selfish. I want to find a good medium.

I think a lot of different events pushed me over the edge a bit. Instead of finding a way to say no, and create boundaries I have gone to the extreme of just shutting everyone out and not caring. It seems it is either be hurt or not at all. I have such a huge wall up, I could walk away from just about anyone right now with no sorrow. How could I have let myself get to this point?

Oh man. Just so much shit is going on too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Crap and a half man!! Crap crap crap.

I leave my Heart on the table for you.

So... What brings me here today? What brings me here any day? The inability to hold anything in any longer. The need to get things off my chest? Perhaps a want to be heard.... Whatever it is... Here I am yet again.

Looking back at my posts, some of them are themed, others are scattered. I think today's post is a bit scattered. Maybe a lot scattered.

Work is going great. I couldn't ask for a better job or better co-workers. They are what I need right now in my life. I hope they feel the same. I am working for the same company I worked for a few years ago. To me it feels like this is where I am supposed to be. It must. After-all, here I am again. :-)

Love is a complicated thing. When it comes to family, friends, or your significant other(s). I was watching something on tv. A woman. In love with two men. Completely heart broken. Torn. Alone. She was lost, and didn't know what to do. Her therapist made a very valid point.... You love your mother and your father don't you? You love both of your children don't you? So why wouldn't you love two men. It is completely possible. For some reason, this put my heart at ease. I am not saying I am in love with two people. At all. I personally think the more love, the better. So hell yeah I am excited at the thought of having another possible soul mate out there. Is that greedy? Most likely... I think the biggest thing to watch out for when you get into a situation like that, is mess! That shit can get messy fast, I am sure of it, and by messy, I mean drama, heart break, MESSY! Do you have two loves? Two soul mates? If you do, I would love to hear about, how it works for you. You can post anonymously, or not :-)

I think this was a small post... I am at work, so I have lost my train of thought about 7 times now. So forgive me :-P.

-Orchid

Theo

I have not updated in quite some time. I have been in a state of ruin. I am sure everyone has been there sometime or another.

I do not blog much, if at all when I am depressed. I do not know why. Lazy perhaps. But alas! I am here! Something must be going right, no?

I found a fabulous job. Well in all fairness, it found me! None the less, it is magnificent. I am working for a non profit organization that helps individuals in a numerous amount of ways. The sector I work in is located in Seattle. I work with a slightly different type of clientele than usual. They are independent with just about everything in their life except when it comes to medication. That is where we come in. We are looking forward to a change within the next year or so to do some total care residents. It will be interesting to see how the staff shifts gears, most of them have not done total care. I think it will be awesome.

I cannot wait for life to get back on status. It has been in the shit hole for far too long. I also cannot wait for my lease to be up at my current apartment. I am ready for a darn upgrade! CAN I GET A HOT TUB?! LOL. sorry I love that commercial.

I have not spoken to any family recently. It makes me quite sad. I try not to think about it though. I just miss how close we all used to be. Us siblings at least.

I have a lot to work on with myself. I am excited to start. A co-worker recommended a Psychic that works out in Alki. I think that is where I will start with my new beginning. I think 26yrs old is a good age to start with this new adventure. I cannot wait to see how the ride goes. Have to wait for the paychecks to roll in first before I go see her though. I am excited.

I think this all for now, I know it is short. Sorry! I will be back!! xoxoxox

It was last night at an empty warehouse party...

I want you to see the tears running down my cheek.

This blog post is dedicated to all of the users/abusers/and oblivious that take advantage of genuinely kind people.

What gets you off? Does this?

We are a kind loving people. We open our arms to you. We are your friends and your family. Our hearts are easily broken, but we are quick to forgive.

We will, without hesitating, put our hearts back on the line for you, even if it means getting our hearts broken again.

Unaware that even we have a breaking point, our hearts can be broken so many times until it shatters... our souls. This is when we shut down. We become distant. Do you even notice? Or are you so quick to push us aside because we are no longer strong enough to be used by you any longer? We build a wall higher then the heavens around our hearts, never to be touched again. This is where we become sad, bitter, and angry. Do you even notice, or do our feelings matter?

You take advantage of our generosity. Don't even think about "liking" this post. Because even you are a user of a vulnerable heart.

So for everyone like me, I say to everyone like you... Fuck You.

Fuck You to all the Mothers, Fathers, Friends, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Children, Acquaintances, Classmates, Spouses, and everyone in between, who do not notice how much you hurt us.

Push us far enough and it will result in a lost soul. Take it how you want.

I am addicted to food.

I have an eating disorder. It is hard to admit. I used to think that people with eating disorders were only those defined by anorexia or bulimia. Skin and bones. It is not true.

Compulsive over eating, Binge eating, Bulimia and Anorexia are all the same. They are all eating disorders (they just show differently). Eating disorders describe conditions where preoccupation (obsession) with food, eating-related behaviors and weight, crowd out major aspects of life.

People who are not well educated on eating disorders assume that one can fix their problem on their own. Even I am guilty of that. Regardless of underlying causes the effects of eating disorders create vicious cycles that make it impossible to stop on your own.

I have tried so many diets. I have tried exercise. I've tried not eating. In the end nothing ever sticks long term. Here are 5 Myths that I stole off of a treatment website in regards to addiction.

Myth #1: A person can quit if they really want to.
Willpower has little to do with addiction. No amount of willpower alone can make an addict change or overcome their behavior. A critical component of the addiction recovery process is recognizing and understanding the underlying pain of addiction. Addicts must be equipped with the appropriate tools to deal with their addictive behavior and unhealthy patterns for successful long-term recovery.

Myth #2: Addicts are weak people.
Addiction is not a character flaw or a weakness – it is a disease. Addicts are powerless over their addiction – understanding this tenet is one of the first steps to addiction recovery. No one chooses to become an addict. Addiction takes a heavy toll on the addict and those who love them. The path to addiction is complicated. Many addicts understand they are hurting themselves and loved ones, but the forces of addiction are overpowering.

Myth #3: Addicts don’t seek treatment until they hit "rock bottom."
Motivation for treatment differs from person to person. Some people recognize they have a problem on their own and choose to seek treatment. Others have friends or family suggest or insist on treatment. Some people seek professional treatment due to successful interventions. Some have to enter treatment centers due to court orders. Anyone who feels they have an addiction or abuse problem should seek treatment. It is not necessary to hit “rock bottom” before seeking professional help.

Myth #4: Addicts don’t want help.
While many addicts do not want to enter treatment initially, most are thankful once treatment is over and they are in recovery. For an addict, their addiction is their best friend – their coping mechanism for all of life’s challenges. They must be taught to understand the destructiveness of their addictive behavior and find new routes to happiness. Overcoming addiction is difficult work, but recovery is achievable and deeply satisfying.

Myth #5: All treatments for addiction are the same.
No single form of treatment works for everyone. Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” treatment for addiction. Even people who are addicted to the same substance react differently to various forms of treatment. The most successful treatment centers create individualized programs to suit the specific needs and challenges of each client.

-----------------------------------------------

I think I need help. I really do. I have struggled with my disease for too long. I want and need to get it under control soon. I am tired of my life revolving around food, and when I am going to eat next. I am tired of feeling guilty for eating. I am tired of being embarrassed when I eat.

I guess step one is admitting. I am not sure what step 2 will be.

Sleepless Nights

Tonight has marked yet another night of no sleep. I think I figured it out. With being home all the time without Dee, really makes me miss her like 20 times more. She is my everything. The only person I have in my life that is a constant. I find myself staying up all night while she sleeps. Even though I may be watching a movie, or reading a blog, or bitching on FaceBook about how I cannot sleep, I just soak in her presence. I don't want to fall asleep because I want to be aware that she is there with me. I don't know if that will make sense to any of you. Or if it makes me look... creepy. lol. *sigh*

I know its not healthy to not have anyone else to talk to or lean on. Its not at my lack of trying to find a friend. I just don't know where to look. Every time I have made an effort at making friends I end up with my heart on the floor.

I was really excited that someone I used to be friends with accepted my friend request on FaceBook. I met him through an ex of mine. They were roomies and BFF's. Like family. They have had their ups and downs (currently at a down). Now that we have started talking, its kind of hard not to talk about the one person who introduced us. At least right now, because we are in the beginning of getting back in contact, so its a given that said Ex will come up in these conversations. I was so ready to fling my arms wide open and begin this adventure, seeing where our (whatever this is) took us. I was excited, I had images in my head of us hanging out, becoming good friends. Positive ones that support each other and can get back into the groove of life together.

Now I am sad. I am sad because I am beginning to realize how naive my hopes are. It is easy for me to turn to the negative, because it is all I have known. (not with this person, just in general) I am afraid now because of talks of his ex bff, it is naturally making him miss what used to be. What they have always had. I am afraid that if that happens, if they get back in contact, I will be so easily left in the wind again. That would break my heart. So where do I go from here? All I can do is be supportive and honest, and hope the same back. Will this be a friendship?

Don't be a drag, just be a Queen! Haaay!!

Hello world! I have a confession. I totally ditched this blog for Lj.... But I am back. For now anyway. lol.

I think I started posting in Lj because no one on FB has it. Where as this blog I post on FB. Guess I needed a little break.

So my woman and I are still going strong. Still living in Downtown Seattle. I am done with schooling for now, but plan to go back again in the near future to finish.

Life is starting to get back to normal. Slowly but surely.

I am in desperate need of a couch. Preferably a free one. One that does not stink. Small rips okay because I will be using a slip cover. No one on Craigslist has been helpful in the least. No one wants to deliver it. lol I offer gas money and offer to help put it in their car. But still no. *sigh*

I found an awesome red ikea couch for 100 bucks, and they will deliver, alas i has no monies. Couch = Fail

I really do not have much to post at the moment. Dinner is cooking, wife will be home soon, kitties are playing, and shows will be on soon!

So. For now. I bid you ado.

Its been awhile since I posted. My girlfriend and I are still living in downtown. We in a better apartment though. A new company bought our building and allowed us to move to an apartment of our choice. We picked on on the 3rd floor facing the courtyard instead of the road. Its much quieter.

I am going to school in North Seattle. I was accepted into a nursing program. Its going well.

I am feeling really... un-needed lately. A huge incident happened between my brother and I. I have not talked to him since. I hope he is okay, but I cannot bring myself to call him. He really hurt me. My sister doesn't call me much anymore. She has her girls and husband and work. It keeps her busy. I dont get to talk to her as much as I used to, and I miss it alot. Lately she has been saying stuff like "I am focusing on my family". Im like wth. I am ur family too, and u can't take 2min out of ur week to call me? I mean come on, I never screen her calls. Well HA! Thats because she never calls me. I only call her. She RARELY calls me. It makes me feel like crap.

I just feel like everything I used to live for, or everyone for that matter... has moved on. My sister has her family. My brother is back to his old life. My dad is doing his own thing, we were never close anyway. My Gramma is living her life. I rarely talk to any of them. I feel like I could be gone and no one would miss me. No one misses me now. Its devastating to me, because they are my life. I haven't talked to anyone in weeks. I finally called my sister today.

My girlfriends mom doesn't want me with my girlfriend. She thinks I am holding her back from doing something great with her life. I am not stopping anything. My girlfriend is extremely close with her mother. They are closer together than my girlfriend and I. Closer than I am with any of my family.

It all just makes me feel so unimportant. So unwanted and un-needed. I just want to die.