Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised.

This was posted on PostSecrets website 9.30.12 by anonymous. 

Wednesday September 26th 2012 my divorce was finally finalized with Joe.

Moving on....

Work is driving me fucking bat shit. I seriously may be losing my mind. The image I used on this post was an anonymous secret posted at www.postsecret.com on this Sunday's secrets today. I just had to use it because it is true for me.

Working in Mental health is very emotionally exhausting.  When you pair that up with my crazy inconsistent schedule it gets out of control. I need to figure out how to not absorb the energy and emotions that the individuals around me are radiating. I am by no means anyones therapist, but my residents do not seem to understand that. They come to us for a listening ear, for a shoulder to lean on and person to bark at. They have no one else. I am more than happy to be there for them. It is my job, but what happens now? What happens when it becomes too much? When it triggers my depression. When I become emotionally overloaded...

I have been thinking about starting counseling at SCS. Either that or perhaps finding a support group for those who work in healthcare. Burnout is not good and I would like to avoid that at all costs.

I am fucking tired.

Just this morning a resident cussed the heck out of me. I wasn't even here for 10 minutes before that crap started. He came back later and apologized, which is nice, but damn.

All im sayin'.

My sister and her girls are coming over later this afternoon. I cannot wait to see my little monsters. <3 p="p">

Free me.

“Sorrow breaks seasons and reposing hours, Makes the night morning, and the noontide night”

I am feeling restless. My spirit has been ready for change for several seasons now. I have never been able to stay put in one place very long. A gypsy at heart. I honestly believe I have an old soul. I have stayed put for too long. I have yet to find a home I am content in. The last time I was content must have been 2005, when my sister and her daughter moved in with me. While we had our rough times like any family, I can say I was truly content.

People move on, have families, settle down. In my gut I know that will never happen for me (no matter how much I wish it would). I am 27 years old and I have no idea who I am. What I do know is that I belong out in the world traveling. I want to experience cultures. This modern life we live in today is not for me, while yes it is convenient- it is not for me. 

What is stopping me? You say I can only hold myself back? That if I really wanted to make it happen, it would? Money. I have a job here in Seattle. I work full-time in Nursing. I have no savings to pull from, and obviously if I go where my soul needs me to, I will have no job. I don't need luxury either. 

I would love to have a crappy old truck with canopy on the back to carry my camping gear. Just travel all over the states to different national parks. Be one with nature. 

Fear. How do I overcome it? How do I make destiny come true? It doesn't just happen. I can't believe that my destiny is to be some nobody living in some dirty city. 

I feel like I am meant to be a healer. A medicine woman. Shaman. Something greater. Where do I go from here? My native american roots are in Florida, with family who..... I have yet to meet. 

I feel like the only time I am content is when I am surrounded by family. My grammy. That woman is amazing. My sister and nieces. But, their life is not mine. I have always struggled to figure out what my life is. Where am I supposed to be? Where is my place in this over crowded world? Not here. 

I want out. I need out. I want to live off the land. I want to put in an honest days hard work.  I want a community, many communities. How do I get there?

Please, I am desperate for answers. I need guidance. I have healing powers that I want developed. I need to overcome this sorrow. For now I have SecondLife.

Over a year!

Over a year since I blogged here. I've tried out a few different blogs over the last year. None of them seemed to suit me the way I need, so here I am again. I am sorry I left you hanging. I am a flake like that.

Nothing has really changed over the last year. I am still working full time in the Nursing Department at a boarding home. I am still with my partner. I still live in downtown Seattle.

Things are crazy at work. Our facility lost its boarding home license, and do to that we have had to stop intakes, and even had to re-home several residents. There has been a lot of strain there. We are short staffed, and overworked.

Things at home are... well they just are.

Family all seems to be doing well, though my brother is in jail waiting to be sentenced to a term in prison. I cannot express how much this breaks my heart. But it is what it is.

On happy notes! Fall is arriving. I am SO excited! Fall and winter are my favorite times of year. Ice cold crisp air, bright sunny days, leafs covering the ground. Pumpkin picking, pumpkin eating, eggnog, holiday cheer, warm home cooked meals, white elephant, family gatherings, work parties, gift giving, snow, rain, hot coco & blankets time of year! YAY!

<3 p="p">
Well, that is all for now. I need to get back to work :-)

The Shadow in the background of the Morgue

ARGH.

What is going on with me. Usually I can handle a lot of bs. I just cannot do it anymore. I cant do the work politics, I cant do the work gossip. I find myself shutting people out and pushing them away because I do not have it in me to.......care. Which is pretty ironic if you ask me... Its my job to care after all. It is in my nature.

I am starting to think that maybe 'they' were right when they said that our zodiacs are shifting or have been different all along. If we go by that I would be an Aquarius and not a Pisces. I know in my core I am a Pisces, but what is it that I am battling?! I feel like there is such a negative part of me trying to get out. Someone manipulative, thoughtless, angry, selfish and rageful.

I don't like it... It scares me. I mean this thing inside of me is completely capable of anything, and I mean anything. I have been incredibly insensitive lately, to myself and others. For that I want to apologize to all of you. If you crossed my path and I have been anti-social, angry, defensive, whatever. Idk wtf it is.

So where do we go from here? I am really not sure. I don't want to change. I don't want to be this person, full of negativity, anger and so selfish. I want to find a good medium.

I think a lot of different events pushed me over the edge a bit. Instead of finding a way to say no, and create boundaries I have gone to the extreme of just shutting everyone out and not caring. It seems it is either be hurt or not at all. I have such a huge wall up, I could walk away from just about anyone right now with no sorrow. How could I have let myself get to this point?

Oh man. Just so much shit is going on too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Crap and a half man!! Crap crap crap.

I leave my Heart on the table for you.

So... What brings me here today? What brings me here any day? The inability to hold anything in any longer. The need to get things off my chest? Perhaps a want to be heard.... Whatever it is... Here I am yet again.

Looking back at my posts, some of them are themed, others are scattered. I think today's post is a bit scattered. Maybe a lot scattered.

Work is going great. I couldn't ask for a better job or better co-workers. They are what I need right now in my life. I hope they feel the same. I am working for the same company I worked for a few years ago. To me it feels like this is where I am supposed to be. It must. After-all, here I am again. :-)

Love is a complicated thing. When it comes to family, friends, or your significant other(s). I was watching something on tv. A woman. In love with two men. Completely heart broken. Torn. Alone. She was lost, and didn't know what to do. Her therapist made a very valid point.... You love your mother and your father don't you? You love both of your children don't you? So why wouldn't you love two men. It is completely possible. For some reason, this put my heart at ease. I am not saying I am in love with two people. At all. I personally think the more love, the better. So hell yeah I am excited at the thought of having another possible soul mate out there. Is that greedy? Most likely... I think the biggest thing to watch out for when you get into a situation like that, is mess! That shit can get messy fast, I am sure of it, and by messy, I mean drama, heart break, MESSY! Do you have two loves? Two soul mates? If you do, I would love to hear about, how it works for you. You can post anonymously, or not :-)

I think this was a small post... I am at work, so I have lost my train of thought about 7 times now. So forgive me :-P.

-Orchid

Theo

I have not updated in quite some time. I have been in a state of ruin. I am sure everyone has been there sometime or another.

I do not blog much, if at all when I am depressed. I do not know why. Lazy perhaps. But alas! I am here! Something must be going right, no?

I found a fabulous job. Well in all fairness, it found me! None the less, it is magnificent. I am working for a non profit organization that helps individuals in a numerous amount of ways. The sector I work in is located in Seattle. I work with a slightly different type of clientele than usual. They are independent with just about everything in their life except when it comes to medication. That is where we come in. We are looking forward to a change within the next year or so to do some total care residents. It will be interesting to see how the staff shifts gears, most of them have not done total care. I think it will be awesome.

I cannot wait for life to get back on status. It has been in the shit hole for far too long. I also cannot wait for my lease to be up at my current apartment. I am ready for a darn upgrade! CAN I GET A HOT TUB?! LOL. sorry I love that commercial.

I have not spoken to any family recently. It makes me quite sad. I try not to think about it though. I just miss how close we all used to be. Us siblings at least.

I have a lot to work on with myself. I am excited to start. A co-worker recommended a Psychic that works out in Alki. I think that is where I will start with my new beginning. I think 26yrs old is a good age to start with this new adventure. I cannot wait to see how the ride goes. Have to wait for the paychecks to roll in first before I go see her though. I am excited.

I think this all for now, I know it is short. Sorry! I will be back!! xoxoxox

It was last night at an empty warehouse party...

I want you to see the tears running down my cheek.

This blog post is dedicated to all of the users/abusers/and oblivious that take advantage of genuinely kind people.

What gets you off? Does this?

We are a kind loving people. We open our arms to you. We are your friends and your family. Our hearts are easily broken, but we are quick to forgive.

We will, without hesitating, put our hearts back on the line for you, even if it means getting our hearts broken again.

Unaware that even we have a breaking point, our hearts can be broken so many times until it shatters... our souls. This is when we shut down. We become distant. Do you even notice? Or are you so quick to push us aside because we are no longer strong enough to be used by you any longer? We build a wall higher then the heavens around our hearts, never to be touched again. This is where we become sad, bitter, and angry. Do you even notice, or do our feelings matter?

You take advantage of our generosity. Don't even think about "liking" this post. Because even you are a user of a vulnerable heart.

So for everyone like me, I say to everyone like you... Fuck You.

Fuck You to all the Mothers, Fathers, Friends, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Children, Acquaintances, Classmates, Spouses, and everyone in between, who do not notice how much you hurt us.

Push us far enough and it will result in a lost soul. Take it how you want.